Friday, November 11, 2016

"The Handmaiden" and The Week in Reviews

[I review the new movie "The Handmaiden" as well as DVDs "Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates" and "Mascots."  The Book of the Week is "52 Must-See Movies and Why They Matter."  I also bring you up-to-date with "My 1001 Movies I Must See Before I Die Project" with "Slacker."]




The Handmaiden


A young girl is hired to be a handmaiden for an heiress, but her main purpose is to help a con man marry the heiress and steal her money.

First of all, I need to preface this review by saying that I am not a prude and I do not believe in censorship.  That said, I have to also confess that the sex scenes in this film made me squirm in my seat and not in a good way. It wasn't so much that I disapproved of the scenes, but I was more worried about the other seniors in the audience and what they were thinking (when you go to a lot of matinees, you automatically are in an audience with a bunch of senior citizens). I think a couple of them left.   I wasn't shocked, but I have to say that I find some sex scenes in movies these days a bit gratuitous, and, frankly boring.  If they go on too long, I start thinking, "OK, I get it, now can we get back to the story?" I am thinking we should go back that movie device they used in the old movies.  Waves crashing on rocks.  We all knew what that meant and we didn't have to actually see it. But maybe it's my age.  I've already seen it all or whatever.  But let's just say, the sex scenes between the two young women are very graphic, and this film made me wonder about the fine line between what someone might call porn and what someone else would call "art." Hard to know what you might think. But since this film is about libertines, I guess there has to be some liberteeny stuff in it.

Now that doesn't mean I didn't like this movie, because I did, but you have been warned.  If you get upset about the sex scenes, I don't want you blaming me later for recommending this movie.

The film takes place in 1930's Korea during the Japanese occupation and is broken into three parts, each one showing the point of view of each of the three main characters, Roshomon style.

Part I shows Sook-Hee's (Tae Ri Kim) point of view.  She is our handmaiden.  We first see her living in a Dickensesque hovel with her family of pickpockets and con artists. Count Fugiwara (Jung-woo Ha), who is not really a Count but a Fagin-like character who runs any scams he can, hires Sook-Hee to work for Lady Hideko (Min-hee Kim), a sheltered heiress who lives on a large secluded estate with her domineering Uncle Kouzuki (Jin-woong Jo).  The Count has discovered that Lady Hideko's uncle plans to marry her so he can use her money to continue buying his beloved books of which he is an avid collector. (Don't worry. The movie is kinky but not that kinky.  Kouzuki is her uncle by marriage).  However, the Count wants to get in there first and marry Lady Hideko himself. Sook-Hee is to become Lady Hideko's handmaiden and act as a champion for Fugiwara, so that he can seduce her and elope with her to Japan.  Once married, he plans to get her committed to an insane asylum, thus taking all of the money for himself. 

When Sook-Hee arrives at the estate, she is told that half of the estate is a western-style mansion and the other half is a Japanese style house.  Uncle Kouzuki is Korean but loves both western architecture and Japanese culture.  Kouzuki collects books (you find out what kind later) and Hideko spends time reading them aloud in the Japanese portion of the estate which is off limits to Sook-Hee.  When the two women meet, Lady Hideko appears to be very shy and unworldly.  Sook-Hee sleeps with her some times when Hideko is frightened and eventually the two form a, shall we say, "loving relationship."

But you know how these things go.  The best laid plans and all of that...

Part II tells the story from Hideko's point of view as the film goes back to Sook-Hee meeting Lady Hideko and from now on, the twists and turns begin as the tables start to turn.  Hideko might not be the sweet, shy, naïve young thing that Sook-Hee thought she was and in Part III, as the Count's story unfolds, we learn how he met Kouzuki, just what was in those books of his that Hideko had to read aloud and what Sook-Hee's real role was going to be in all of this. 

It's all very gothic, but believe it or not, there is also quite a bit of humor in this film. It's also a fast-paced two and a half hours with many twists and turns.

Director Chan Wook-Park is best known for psychological horror. "Oldboy," the original Korean version, not the Spike Lee remake, is one of his best known.  His first foray into English language films was "Stoker," an interesting psychological horror film starring Nicole Kidman but it was little seen.  Here he is back to his Korean roots, and though I wouldn't exactly call this horror, it certainly is a psychological thriller and does involve a few fingers getting cut off.

Speaking of fingers, this film is based on the book "Fingersmith" by Sara Waters and Wook-Park masterfully takes the story from Victorian England to Korea in the 1930's.  Wook-Park not only directed the film, but also wrote the screenplay, and the film was nominated for the Palm D'Or at the 2016 Cannes Film Festival. I would not be surprised if this film will also be nominated for an Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film as it's gorgeous to look at with art direction by Seong-hie Ryu, and the actors and story are first-rate.

Rosy the Reviewer says...highly recommended but not for the sexually squeamish. Now if I could just get those ben wa balls the size of Christmas tree ornaments out of my mind (and remember, I warned you)!
(In Korean and Japanese with English subtitles)


 
***Some Movies You Might Have Missed***
(And Some You Will Be Glad You Did)!

On Netflix and DVD






Mascots (2016)


An inside look at the world of sports mascots.

I first became aware of Christopher Guest when I saw "This is Spinal Tap."  It was a revelation. 

I remember getting into an argument with some friends who hated the film, but the reason they hated it was because they thought it was an actual documentary about an actual rock group.  No amount of arguing would change their minds and convince them that this was a spoof on all of the trappings of  1980's heavy metal bands.  But I don't really blame them, because Guest is a genius at finding those bits of reality and then lovingly mocking them.  I think Guest might be responsible for the term "mockumentary" (though he has said he didn't like that term for his films), because he went on to turn his satirical eye to small town community theatre groups ("Waiting for Guffman"), dog show people ("Best in Show") and folk singers ("A Mighty Wind"), to name some of his other really funny movies.

Here he turns that same satirical and witty eye onto sports mascots as they get ready to compete at the World Mascot Association's Championships also known as "The Fluffies."

I would bet that you have probably not thought much of the real lives of those sports mascots you see at football, basketball and other sports matches, and that's what makes this film funny.  There is a wealth of material in that idea.

Mascots are coming from all over the world.  We have Owen Golley Jr. (Tom Bennett) as Sid the Hedgehog from South Croyden, England, who is carrying on the mascot tradition (his father and grandfather all played Sid), but wants to update the routine that both older generations had used, much to his father's disapproval. An acrimonious husband and wife team perform as Tammy the Turtle and Ollie the Octopus (Sarah Baker and Zach Woods) and Jack the Plumber (Matt Griesser), who looks more like one of the Mario Bros, cheers for a football team, that when he tries to buddy up with some of the players, they have no idea who he is.

"I remember the mascot.  I never knew it was you."

There is also Cindy Babineaux (Parker Posey), whose Alvin the Armadillo comes to life through her modern dance interpretations, and Chris O'Dowd as Tommy "Zook" Zucarello, who plays "The Fist" for the Blue Lake Mallards, a Manitoba, Canada, hockey team.  And yes, his costume is a giant fist, one of the grossest things I have ever seen, though it does afford him the opportunity to give the finger to the crowd when he wishes to. Though Tommy grew up as part of a religious commune based on the teachings of Michael Landon's "Highway to Heaven" TV show, he has gotten himself into a bit of trouble as a mascot because he has gotten that fist into a bit of trouble by getting it too close to female spectators' body parts.   

A.J. Bloomquist (Ed Begley Jr.), Buddy Campbell (Don Lake) and Gabby Monkhouse (Jane Lynch) are the judges.  Buddy runs a carpet store ("You say it, we lay it") and A.J. was a mascot who was disgraced for his anatomically correct mascot costume for his character, Danny the Donkey. Gabby lords over the other judges because when she was a mascot - Minnie the Moose - she was able to turn her experiences into an inspirational best-selling book "A-Moosing Journey to God and Real Estate." Begley, Lake and Lynch are also Guest regulars.
 
Everyone at the competition is all in a tizzy because officials from the Gluten Free TV Channel are coming to see whether they want to televise the awards.  The Vericose Veins Channel came last year, a fun Guest dig at how many TV channels we now have. 

There are rivalries, insecurities, bad relationships amongst the contestants and over-the-top costumes as they prepare for the big finale and highlight of the movie - their signature routines.

A favorite is Jack the Plumber who comes out in his Mario Bros - inspired costume complete with plumber's crack to unplug a giant toilet, and when he does, out pops, how do I put this?  A little dancing t**d.  I know, I hate that word, too, but a little dancing poop didn't seem to describe it. Anyway, Jack the Plumber and the little bit of doo doo do a dance together and then he pops her back into the toilet and flushes her down.

Another funny routine involves some competitors from India who are Pointy and Grindy, a pencil and a pencil sharpener (they represent an Indian cricket team) who dance around Bollywood style. 

After the routines, the awards are given out and then we catch up with the contestants a year later.  One has given up mascoting, one of them now has a new baby (a new little mascot to carry on the tradition?), and guess which one became a monk?

If you have seen Guest's other films, you will recognize actors he uses in almost all of his films. In addition to Begley, Lake and Lynch, you will also recognize - Fred Willard, Jennifer Coolidge and Bob Balaban.  Guest has created a sort of film repertory company of actors, but in what is a departure from Guest's usual films, he brings back some characters from past movies: he himself plays Corky St. Clair, who you will remember from "Guffman" and Parker Posey's character of Cindy is the same one she also played in that film.

The humor here lies in how self-important the mascots think they are and how seriously they take this competition, despite the fact that no one knows who they are because no one can see who is inside the costume.  It's also a commentary on the many championships and awards shows out there for just about everything, and Guest couldn't resist commenting on the whole "Furries" phenomenon since the mascots seem very much like "Furries" themselves, so of course there has to be a "Furry" running amok amongst the mascots.

Guest directed the film and wrote the script with Jim Piddock, and the humor is droll to say the least. If you don't find anything I've said so far funny, you might not think the film is funny.  For some, Christopher Guest's humor is an acquired taste, but I think he is funny as hell.  It also makes me laugh to know how much of his films are improvisational and the actors are just riffing on an idea half of the time. He is the king of situational humor, and I can't wait for his next one.

This is an Netflix original film available for streaming. More and more we will be seeing new films produced by Netflix and Amazon only available via their outlets.

Rosy the Reviewer says...a comedic gem in the best of the Christopher Guest tradition.





Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016)


It seems like whenever the Stangle brothers attend a family event, something bad happens, so they are told unequivocally that if they want to attend their sister's wedding, they must bring dates.  You see, there is this idea that the women will keep the boys in line.  Good luck with that.

Directed by Jake Szymanski, with a script by Andrew Jay Cohen and Brendan O'Brien, believe it or not, this movie is based on a true event and there really were real life Stangle Brothers who needed wedding dates. The brothers placed an ad in Craigslist looking for dates for their cousin's wedding and the ad went viral in February 2013.  They were able to turn that into a book and now here is the movie.

Adam Devine and Zac Ephron are Mike and Dave Stangle.  The brothers are known to show up at family events and get so drunk that something bad happens every time and the event is ruined.  So they are told that they must bring dates to their sister, Jeannie's (Sugar Lyn Beard) destination wedding in Hawaii, the idea being that having dates will calm them down.  So the brothers put an ad in the paper looking for some nice girls to take to the wedding.

OK, I already have a question.  How is it possible that Dave Stangle, who looks remarkably like the deliciously handsome Zac Ephron, does not have a girlfriend?  Even Mike is quite adorable.

Anyway, Alice (Anna Kendrick) and Tatiana (Aubrey Plaza), who are decidedly NOT very nice girls, see the ad and decide that they need to score those dates and get a free trip to Hawaii.  Unfortunately, and wait -- here's the hilarious premise - these two girls are way worse than our guys.  Since they are the farthest thing from being nice girls, they need to create some personas for themselves so Alice pretends to be a hedge fund manager (though she doesn't even know what a hedge fund is ), and Tatiana pretends to be a school teacher ("The key to teaching children is repetition. You'd be surprised how stupid they are.")

You know what "meet cute" is, right?  Well, these girls do a "meet ugly" to meet our heroes.  They dress up, find the club where the boys are hanging out and then Tatiana gets their attention by throwing herself in front of a car.  I know, but it's actually kind of funny because Plaza is very funny as Tatiana, who is a very, very bad girl. Alice on the other hand isn't so much of a bad girl, but she is just getting over a bad break-up and whenever she hears the word "wedding" she drinks...and drinks...and drinks. The two of them make more of a debacle of the wedding than the boys ever could.

And you can see how this movie is going to go from miles away. 

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself.  I see a trailer and the movie looks funny so I go see it or rent the DVD and realize I have not only seen all of the funniest bits in the trailer, but practically the whole film as well.  It's a one note joke.  But that's not to say that there aren't some laughs to be had here, even for someone my age who is hardly the demographic this film was aimed at.  So a younger crowd might find taking ecstasy, an overabundance of pubic hair and getting naked funnier than I did.

But Aubrey and Anna are the real stars here.  Aubrey is really funny and will go all out for the laughs and Anna also shows her comedic chops.  She is a very versatile actress.  It's nice seeing women getting the laughs. As for Zac and Andy?  They are great at being hapless schmoes taken advantage of by the girls and, yes, ladies, Zac takes his shirt off.

Rosy the Reviewer says...there are some laughs to be had, but I think I listed most of them in this review.  But, hey, Zac takes his shirt off and that's good enough for me!

 


***My 1001 Movies I Must See Before I Die Project***


227 to go!

Have YOU seen this classic film?




Slacker (1991)

 

A day in the life of the slackers of Austin, Texas circa 1990's.

Director Richard Linklater follows a group of subcultural eccentrics through the course of a day as they wander around Austin, Texas.  Over 100 different cast members of unknown actors (and friends of Linklater) dovetail on each other as they loosely interrelate, carrying on conversations that appear to be improvised, but in fact were all scripted by Linklater. He not only wrote the script but directed and even starred in this one. 

There is no real plot per se. People run into each other and engage and then break off into a new plot line, if you could call any of this a plot. Let's just say, few of these people have jobs, many are overeducated, and some are just plain weird. They are mostly twenty-somethings, social outcasts and misfits, and Linklater uses a series of vignettes where the characters seamlessly move from one scene and into another. 


Here's an example of that kind of dovetailing of characters: A guy leaves a bookstore and we follow him for awhile.  Then he starts talking to a guy working on his car and then that first guy leaves and now it's about the guy working on the car with his friends.  Those guys get in their car, pick up another guy who talks about how glad he is that his Dad is dead, then that guy gets out of the car and now it's about him and we follow him until he meets someone else and then we follow that person. Get it?  It's actually quite cool. It's a revolving door of characters and vignettes that moves the movie along despite its lack of a plot and evokes that feeling you may get as people pass you by on the street or you see sitting in the restaurant.  What are their lives like, where are they going, what are they doing today?  Why aren't they at work?  Well, I wonder those things anyway, and this film gives us a peek into what those people are doing.  And why aren't they at work?  They are slackers! 

Highlights include Linklater himself playing a young guy in the back of a cab regaling a stone-faced cab driver with his stream of consciousness about alternate realities (really funny), a conspiracy theorist who believes that the U.S. has been on the moon since the 1950s, and a woman who produces a glass slide purportedly of Madonna's pap smear. 

The film ends with a bunch of young people making a movie - and of course one of those people is Linklater himself, the young guy who started the film in the back of that cab.  Remember those old Judy Garland/Mickey Rooney films where they would say something like, "Let's put on a show!  My parents have a barn we can use!"  Well, this film with Linklater and his frirends is like "Here's an idea.  Let's get together and make a movie!"        

By now you probably know that I am a huge Linklater fan.  This was only his second feature film and the first to get any real distribution.  He shot it on 16mm film for a mere $23,000 and set the stage for what has become a brilliant career with his classic "Dazed and Confused," his stunning "Before" trilogy, and  the Oscar nominated "Boyhood," all original and milestone films.  He has had five Oscar nominations. This movie was a key film in the independent film movement of the 1990's and directly inspired Kevin Smith to make his own movies, thus "Clerks" was born.

Why it's a Must See: [This film] doesn't have anything resembling a continuous plot except in the most lilteral way that it moves chronologically and geographically through part of a day in Austin, but it's brimming with weird characters and wonderful talk...Even if the movie goes nowhere in terms of narrative...the highly evocative scenes give an often hilarious sense fo the surviving dregs of 1960's culture and a superbly realized sense of a specific community."
---"1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die"

Rosy the Reviewer says...if you are a Linklater fan you will enjoy seeing his early effort, but even if you aren't a fan, it will remind you of what the 90's were like.  It's an original and lots of fun.




***Book of the Week***



Turner Classic Movies: The Essentials: 52 Must-See Movies and Why They Matter by Jeremy Arnold and Robert Osborne (2016)


Fifty-two essential films. Why 52?  It's a year of classic films.  One per week and you have seen them all!

As you know I have been in the midst of "My 1001 Movies I Must See Before I Die Project" for a couple of years (see above).  It is daunting to say the least since I have 227 to go and at the rate of one per week, it's going to take me another four and a quarter years to see them all.  At my age, I might not make it that long!  So anyone taking on a similar task needs to take that into consideration.  Will you live long enough to see all of the films?

But if you are interested in immersing yourself in some classic films or want to be able to say you have seen "the essentials," this would be an easy way to get into it.  There are only 52 films, and if you watch one a week, you've got the job done in a year.

Now keep in mind, these are all Turmer Classic Movies, as in movies that have shown on TCM  as part of a program started in 2001 called "The Essentials," a weekly Saturday night program that was first hosted by Rob Reiner and later directors Sydney Pollack and Peter Bogdanovich.  Then the format changed in 2006 when Robert Osborne came on board as host with a rotating cast of co-hosts: Critic Molly Haskell, Carrie Fisher, Alec Baldwin and others.  The co-hosts participated in choosing the "essential" films that would be shown and each year the TCM staff would compile a list of the films that would be shown.  The show is currently on hiatus.

This book reflects that program and before you get your knickers in a twist if you favorite movie isn't listed, the introduction clearly states that this book is not an attempt to list the BEST films, only "a sampling of some of the nearly three hundred films that have been shown so far on TCM as 'essential' movie-watching..."  I know, how can "The Shawshank Redemption" or "Pulp Fiction" not be included?  Well, first of all, only films up through the 1980's are listed, so that excludes those two, and even if you have a favorite that was produced in that time period, it still might not be included.  But this is still a good list of must-see films with the expected classics such as "Gone With the Wind" and "Citizen Kane" in evidence, but there are also some lesser known films like "Gun Crazy" and "Leave Her to Heaven" - a nice mix of classic films.

So what constitutes an "essential?"

These films have all "left an unmistakable impact in some way." 

If you are a movie buff, you have probably seen most of these, so even if you don't want to embark on any binge-watching, this is also a fun read because each film included has a couple of pages that talk about why the movie matters and some fun facts and interesting things you should look for in the film (or be reminded of).

And speaking about why movies matter, in case you missed my blog post of the same name, here it is.  It's one of my most popular posts and movie lovers have commented that it was meaningful to them.

"Why Movies Matter"

I have already seen all of the films in this book, but I enjoyed revisiting them, reading why they are important and the interesting facts about their production and casts, and if you are a movie lover, you will too.

Rosy the Reviewer says...for anyone who loves the movies.


 
 
 
That's it for this week!
 

Thanks for reading!


 See you next Friday 

 
for my review of
 

"Arrival"

 
and 

  
The Week in Reviews

(What to See or Read and What to Avoid)


 and the latest on



"My 1001 Movies I Must See Before 

 I Die Project." 

 

 
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Check your local library for DVDs and books mentioned.

 

Next time you are wondering whether or not to watch a particular film, check out my reviews on IMDB (The International Movie Database). 

Go to IMDB.com, find the movie you are interested in.  Once there, click on the link that says "Explore More" on the right side of the screen.  Scroll down to External Reviews and when you get to that page, you will find Rosy the Reviewer alphabetically on the list.

NOTE:  On some entries, this has changed.  If you don't see "Explore More" on the right side of the screen, scroll down just below the description of the film in the middle of the page. Click where it says "Critics." Look for "Rosy the Reviewer" on the list.

Or if you are using a mobile device, look for "Critics Reviews." Click on that and you will find me alphabetically under "Rosy the Reviewer."


Tuesday, November 8, 2016

All The Lonely People: The Ultimate Guide to Avoiding Being One of Them When You Get Old

"All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?"

From the looks of things - how we treat our older adults - apparently they all belong in some sort of retirement community or worse, a nursing home.

Eleanor Rigby is not alone in her loneliness. 

 
 
Many people in the world are lonely, but being old and lonely is its own kind of loneliness.

As I age, I start worrying about where I am going to end up when everyone else is gone.  If I outlive Hubby and my friends, then what?

My mother ended up all alone in a nursing home where the underpaid staff of young people seemed to care more about standing around talking about their dates than making sure the inmates, er, residents had their diapers on. Hubby's dad ended up in a place where he was constantly hearing hard luck stories from the staff and giving them money.

But before we get to the endgame of loneliness, what do we do now while we still have our faculties and some ability to make our own decisions about how we want to spend the rest of our lives?

Is loneliness and ending up alone in an institution automatically our fate when we grow old?

I say no, but there are factors that can lead to a lonely life.

It's one thing to be old, retired and alone in the town you grew up in.  Even though your spouse and parents might be dead, you most probably have a network of friends that you have had since childhood.  But many of us no longer live in the towns where we grew up.  We have moved around the country, or even the world, chasing jobs, loves and adventure, in each place having to start over making friends and creating a supportive community.  But we did it.

However, as we get older, finding ourselves in a new town and having to start over gets harder and harder.  We might not have the resources that we had when we were younger or if we had stayed in our hometowns.  Many of us old folks move to be near our adult children and grandchildren, not realizing how difficult it might be to start a new life in a new place as an older adult.  When we were young, we could walk down to the neighborhood bar and when we left, we would have had at least one new friend.  But trying to make friends when we are in our 50's, 60's and 70's is not that easy. 

  • If you have a job, the potential for friendships is there.
  • If you belong to a church, fine.  Instant community.
  • If you have a hobby and can join a gun club or tennis club, perhaps that is a good way to make new friends.
  • If you have moved voluntarily to a retirement community and there are all kinds of activities you are interested in, then great.

  • But what if you work from home? 
  • What if you are retired and can't afford to move to a retirement community?
  • What if you have health issues that restrict your mobility?

When you move to a new place, your peers most likely have their own families and friends.  They are not looking to take on new friends.  Friends take time and energy.  Even if you have moved to be near your grandchildren, your adult children have busy lives and your grandchildren have their own activities and friends.  Unless you live with them, you can't rely on them as your sole source of companionship and social life. 

I volunteer as a counselor for seniors who are going through bereavement, health issues or big changes in their lives.  Mostly, they are women who are alone and some are sadly warehoused into nursing homes or some kind of facility where their adult children don't have to worry about them.  And these parents didn't go there because they wanted to.  They went because they "didn't want to be a burden" to their kids. 

 

 

My own mother, who was a beautiful proud woman, ended up in such a place and it is something I don't think I will ever get over.  She had a stroke that affected her brain and caused some dementia, but don't think she didn't know that she was alone and without her family.  She did.  And she was the type of person who would also have not wanted to be a burden.


My mother had a stroke which resulted in dementia and she ended up in a nursing home.  I won't go into the details about why and how that happened, but it did.  And I remember she didn't want to go, but at the time, it didn't seem like she was able to stay on in her home alone.

But let me tell you, she might have been confused about where she was or not remember much about the immediate past, but she did know she wasn't with her family.  She also knew her niece's phone number.  My cousin, my mother's favorite niece, who lived in the town where I grew up and where my mother lived her entire life, had spent a lot of time with my mother over the years and was very good to my mother.  But my cousin had to change the ring on her phone for my mother's calls, because my mother called her every day, sometimes more than once, to ask when she was going to come and get her. I don't blame my cousin at all for not wanting to answer her phone every day and have to deal with my mother, but can you imagine what it must have been like for my mother to call for someone to come and get her and no one answered?  If that doesn't wrench your heart, I don't know what would.

As I mentioned, I volunteer as a senior counselor. One of my clients is housebound because of some physical issues.  She not only has difficulty moving around but she has lost the desire to do anything at all.  She wants to work with me to figure out how to deal with her situation and to find some motivation.  She moved thousands of miles from where she had lived all of her life to be near her son and grandson but only sees them once a week.   She has mobility issues and rarely leaves her home which restricts her ability to meet people. What will she do with the rest of her life? 

Another client was in a nursing home for people with dementia but did NOT have dementia.  Her health problems required nursing care but she had all of her mental faculties.  She had no one to talk to except the caregivers and her daughter, who visited once a week, unless she wanted to try to talk to one of the inmates, er, residents, a resident who thought she was on a vacation and her son was going to pick her up any day now or the guy who thought he was the king of Romania.

It seems to me that there were solutions for these people to be more of a part of their families rather than languishing alone. But what is surprising is that many people who find themselves in these situations wouldn't say they wanted their adult children to care for them even if they would.  As I said, the mantra seems to be "I don't want to be a burden."

From what I have seen, I am just appalled.  How can a loved one be a burden?

What has happened to us that instead of revering our aged population and spending time with them and learning from them, we would rather put them out of sight where we don't have to "worry about them." 

That is very different from how it used to be or how it is in other cultures where getting older was not a curse but something to be respected, where families looked after their aging relatives and learned from them.

My husband's parents took care of his grandmother.  She lived with them until her death and he remembers time with her fondly.  My grandparents lived across the street from us and my Dad went over there every day and fixed their dinner.  They both lived and died in their own home, and before they died they were able to interact with their grandchildren and great-grandchildren.



Sure, your adult children or loved ones are busy, but you were busy, too, when you were raising them, and now it's their turn if they have the means.  I know many people are struggling and don't have space for a parent or the financial ability to help.  I get that.  But I have seen situations where the ability was there but not the desire.  Sad.

Many of us don't want to be a burden to our kids or loved ones.  But did it ever occur to you that perhaps your kids and loved ones want to take care of you?  Maybe some of you have kids who now realize all you did for them and they want to return the favor.  Or not.

And if it's not, then for better or worse, for those of us who can't afford or don't want to move to a retirement community, I would guess that most of us want to stay in our own homes.  OK, if I am living alone, maybe I might fall.  Get me that alert thing that calls the paramedics. Maybe I will meet a cute paramedic.  And perhaps if my brain isn't what it once was, I might leave something on the stove and burn the house down.  OK, it's my house and I'd rather die that way than in a nursing home where I have no freedom and am treated like a prisoner for the rest of my life.

This is not for those of you who have the means and want to move to a retirement community where you have assistance, your meals, and when the time comes, nursing care. Good for you for making plans.  But those situations are very expensive and some of us don't have the means to do that nor do we want to.  Maybe we don't want to have to get rid of most of our belongings and move into a community where we don't know anyone, where there are rules we have to follow and we are treated like children.


Adult children this is for you:


Put yourselves in your parents' shoes.

How would you feel about being yanked out of your home, a home you have lived in for 25 years or more, to be placed in a strange place with strange people where you are not allowed to leave just because you have some health/mental/whatever problems that have become a problem for your children? 

How would you feel being put into a place where there are rules about what you can do, where you can go, what you can eat?

How would you like to be left alone with strangers, some of whom don't know what day it is?

Sure, you worry about your parent.  You don't want that call in the middle of the night that your parent has fallen down or set the house on fire.

But I would bet that if you asked your loved one if he or she would rather go to a nursing home or drop dead at home, the answer would be the latter. 

So before you stuff your loved one into a nursing home or someplace he or she doesn't want to be, I implore you to exhaust all options available in your community.  Your parents exhausted themselves taking care of you.  Now it's your turn.

Washington State is a leader in services for the aging population.  Because of what happened to my mother, I have become an advocate for "aging in place." I had the privilege of serving on the local Council on Aging where I was made aware of all of the services available to help people "age in place," i.e. stay in their own homes as long as possible, despite health and financial issues.  And before you say anything about how is this paid for and you don't want higher taxes and all of that, it has been proven that it is cheaper to provide services to help people stay in their own homes than to put them into an institution.
 
There are counseling programs that I mentioned earlier, companion programs, food services, senior centers, adult daycare, etc.  Find out what services and programs are available in your town that will help you care for your loved one, so your loved one can "age in place."

Now here is my message to my own kids. 



 
I may get forgetful or even suffer from dementia.  I may not be able to get around anymore, but I do not want to be warehoused.  I do not want to live amongst a bunch of other old people.  I DO want to be a burden so get used to it.  I took care of you and now it's your turn.

Besides, one of the main reasons I can't move into an old people's home is there wouldn't be enough room for all of my clothes.

But mainly, all of you "kids" out there, I want to save you from regret and guilt, which I guarantee you will have if you send your parents away against their will and they let you, because they "don't want to be a burden."  I live with the regret and pain every day that I couldn't save my mother.


Now, you old Baby Boomers, this is for you:



Whether you are or will be in your hometown in your own house when your spouse and most of your peers have died and your kids (if you have them) have moved away or you are all alone in a new town or assisted living facility, how do you cope with the loneliness that might accompany moving to a new place or suddenly being alone?
 
Whatever our circumstances, as we age, how do we keep living the life we deserve to live - a full one that brings us joy?

First of all, do what you can to plan for the inevitable, to decide what you want to do and how you want to live out your life, especially if you can't really make the decision for yourself, and make sure your kids or loved ones know what your wishes are. 

Find out what services are available through your local Senior Services or equivalent.  Even though you are alone and might not know many people, try to avoid being isolated. If you are able, volunteering is a good way to stay connected with people.  If you don't have one already, get a computer and learn how to use it.  Sign up for Facebook so you can talk to your children and grandkids or friends online, but don't "friend" anyone you don't know (beware of being scammed.  If a handsome stranger in a military uniform 30 years younger than you wants to "friend" you on Facebook, sorry.  He's not interested in you.  He's in a sweat shop somewhere overseas and just wants your money.  Don't fall for it). But reach out. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. There are all kinds of ways to stay connected.

But in the end, even if your living situation is to your liking, at some point you will probably find yourself alone and feeling lonely. 

As one great sage from "Real World New Orleans" said, "I am never lonely because everywhere I go, I am there." 

I know.  He wasn't a sage.  He was just a kid on "The Real World," and I think he stole that from Buddha or some other famous person, but that doesn't matter, the sentiment remains the same.  As you get older, it's important to remember that your true self is always with you, that you are your own best friend, so it's important to enjoy your own company and to recognize the joy that exists in your life. 

Your thoughts might tell you that you are old, alone and lonely, but you are not your thoughts.  Your thoughts will sometimes tell you things that make you sad, that tell you that you don't matter or what's the point of your life?  But those are just thoughts. Thoughts come and go. They are not you.  

You.  You will always be you. No matter how old you get, how wrinkled, how infirm, if you are at home alone or in a nursing home, you will always be you, and your very existence matters and is the whole point.  No one and nothing can take that from you.  Your body may have changed and gotten old, but your true self is still inside there, the person you have always been. 

No matter what, you are still YOU, the you that can choose joy.

When my clients in the counseling program are struggling with health issues, getting old, circumstances that they can't control, I try to convey that to them.

And I tell myself that too.

Even though I am old and can't do all of the things I used to do... Even though I am far from my children and grandchildren and get lonely and sad at times... Even though I don't know what the future holds...I remind myself that I am still me.  I will always be me, that person who can find joy in little things like a nice big bowl of gelato or a particularly good episode of the British soap opera I watch or a moving figure skating routine or reading a good book or relishing a great movie or watching the antics of my dogs or looking out my window and noticing the sun peeking through the trees, reminding me that I exist.

In those moments, I know I can reject the negative thoughts that come and go and choose joy instead.

I can also reflect back on my life, and when I do that, I am reminded of the person I was and will always be and there is also joy in that.

I will always be the young girl who loved her parents and had a happy childhood,



and who wanted to be an actress.




 


I will always be the woman who raised two successful children she loves,



who had a long and happy marriage to a man she loves,



who loves her grandchildren,



who had a successful and satisfying career,



who likes to dress up her dogs,

 

who finds joy in movies and books and food and fashion,



who writes a blog, and who has always tried to do the right thing and be a better person. 

When I am aware of all of those things, I feel joy and that joy I feel is my true self speaking, that part of me that has always been there.

My true self says,"You did good, kid (I know that's bad English but I don't want to be correcting my true self when she is saying something nice to me)!  And you are still here.  There is still more joy to be felt and life to be lived. You might have some bad days but, just remember, there is always tomorrow, and tomorrow might be filled with joy. Who knows? But you want to be here to find out, don't you?" 

And likewise, no matter where or how you end up, you will always be the person who lived and loved, who lives and loves, who feels joy when you think of all you have done and the joy you still feel in little things.  You may be old, but you will always be YOU and those moments of joy are glimpses into your true self reminding you that YOU are there and will always be there, and you will never really be alone.

So when you are feeling old, alone and lonely and wonder what's the point of getting up each day, tap into that core of your existence, your true self, that space inside you that has experienced joy, and despite your circumstances, can still experience joy, even if it's just a snuggle from your cat or watching your favorite TV show. Choose joy. Remind yourself that every time you feel some joy, no matter how small, it's your true self, YOU, reminding you that you are alive and you are still and always will be YOU and no one and nothing can take that away from you.

Hopefully knowing that, even though you are alone, you won't be lonely.

Now go tell your loved ones you are so looking forward to their taking care of you!

Thanks for Reading!
 
See you Friday
 
for my review of


"The Handmaiden,"
 
The Week in Reviews
(What to See or Read and What to Avoid)

   
and the latest on


"My 1001 Movies I Must See Before 
 I Die Project."
 

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