Has Your Spouse Checked Out of Your Marriage? How to Tell

One of my daily habits in retirement is taking some time to enjoy "The View." 

It's relaxing to spend time with the ladies mid-morning with my cup of tea and hear a little celebrity gossip, some discussions on issues of the day and the latest news. My little poodle Tarquin joins me on my lap so he can listen as well.

The show is often fodder for my blog too.

On "The View" recently, they were talking about this article from The Huffington Post, "Six Signs Your Spouse Has Checked Out of Your Marriage." Since Hubby and I will be celebrating our 32nd wedding anniversary next month, that has been on my mind and that article made me think I should check in with my marriage to see if Hubby had checked out.

And the more I thought about it adding up the times Hubby has checked out, I thought, "Only six?"

Now these could apply to any long term relationship.  I don't want to be discriminatory. Whether or not you are married to a member of the opposite sex or to a member of the same sex or even if you are not married but in a relationship, you, too, might want to do a relationship check-up to see if either of you has checked out.

Here are a couple of the signs listed in the article:

They spend a lot of time around you but not with you.

Mmm. That's for sure.  Hubby is always around but there is not necessarily any "there" there, if you know what I mean. He will sit and watch a movie or even episodes of "The Real Housewives" with me but when I turn to say something to him he is either asleep or reading something on his phone.  But then I think, that's OK because when he is awake he either talks to the TV or makes inappropriate comments, thus ruining the entire experience for me.

They go to bed at separate times.

I actually think this could be a good thing, because how many people really have the same biological clocks?  I would guess that in most relationships, one of the people in it is adapting to the other and going to bed when the other wants to.  Not me. Hubby is a morning person and I decidedly am not, so Hubby often goes to bed before I do.  It doesn't matter what we are talking about or if we are in the middle of a TV program, when 11pm rolls around, Hubby pulls himself out of the chair (that he has already been asleep in) and announces that he is going to bed.  Since I am retired and have always been a night owl, that's a bit early for me. Granted, Hubby is still working and he gets up at 6am, but he doesn't have to get up that early.  He works at home and could easily catch a few more z's and waddle down to his office in his PJs if he wanted to, so I am not particularly sympathetic. 

The other four signs in the article? 

Your spouse never includes you in his or her after-work or weekend plans, they never ask you about your day, no sex, and they are hyper-critical of your friends and family.  I would add that if your significant other never includes you in after-work or weekend plans, that one right there trumps all of the others because what's the point of a relationship if they don't want to do anything with you? Hubby is not guilty of that.  Like I said, my problem is more that I can't get rid of him.


But I have my own opinion about "checking-out behaviors" that the article missed. Of course I do!


I will use Hubby as an example.  He said it was OK.  In fact, he expects it.

• Lack of conversation. When we are driving in the car, an hour can elapse with long silences punctuated by comments about the traffic, how bad the other drivers are or the Seahawks.  I have just given up trying to have a meaningful conversation so I look at my phone.  He has checked out into his own head (god only knows what he is thinking or not thinking) and I have checked out into reading magazines on my phone.  We are beyond the "what are you thinking?" stage of our relationship.  At this point, I either don't really care or am scared to ask.

• He doesn't remember to tell you things. I wonder aloud why we haven't heard from a particular friend we had planned to see when traveling.  Hubby replies, "Oh, he got in touch with me and said he will be busy.  Didn't I tell you?"

       "No."

• He never tells you he is going to stop at the store.  He just swings by when he is out and about and gets what he needs.  Now this might not seem like a big thing, but when you have gone to the trouble to make a little list of what is needed and you are out of eggs and bread and all he brings back is milk for his cereal and some cheese puffs, it can be irritating.  He has completely checked out on what you might need.

       Speaking of going to the store.

• Going to Costco has become a leisure activity. Hubby has a bad case of antsy pants.  I think he must have been ADD when he was young.  He probably still is.  He has to be doing something at all times, so if things slow down a bit at home and he doesn't have dog poop to pick up or we already have gotten the mail, he decides it's time to go to Costco and off he goes. Maybe that's because if he sits down in a chair he will go to sleep.  

• Which brings me to the issue of falling asleep, the literal, and ultimate act of checking out.

Have you seen videos of narcoleptic dogs?  Narcolepsy is a sleep disorder often associated with pleasurable activities.  The narcoleptic dog starts to eat, which is a pleasurable activity for him, and then instantly falls asleep. 

Well, Hubby is rather like that. 

As soon as he joins me in front of the TV and settles into the comfy chair, it is not long until I hear the tell-tale signs of sleep, look over and sure enough, he is passed out.  I guess I should be flattered that it is a pleasurable activity for him to join me while I watch "Naked and Afraid (one of the best shows on TV, by the way)," but somehow I don't see it that way.  I don't think he has gotten through an entire TV program or movie in years.  Now if it's a football game, that's another story.

• You have to always ask, "Did you hear what I just said?" I can never tell if Hubby is listening because he doesn't stand still long enough for me to get an entire sentence out.  I will be right in the middle of explaining something or asking a question and off he goes. Leaving the room when your significant other is speaking to you is checking out.

• Being a boring person is a type of checking out. Hubby likes to meet for Happy Hour every day at 4pm when he gets off work.  If it's a nice day we will meet out on the deck and if not, we might sit in the kitchen or by the fire in the living room.  However, even though I am retired, I am a busy person and sometimes it is difficult for me to make it by 4pm.  I have to really hustle, so I have warned Hubby that if he doesn't have anything interesting to say and is just going to sit and listen to music or play his harmonica, I am not going to join him.  It's important to at least try to be interesting if you want to have a happy relationship.  You need to make the effort. I keep mentioning my blog post "How to be an interesting person" to him.

So I guess all of those are red flags that one, or both of you, has checked out of the relationship.

And lest you think I am too hard on Hubby, I am sure he could write his own blog post on how I check out:  shopping, going to the movies alone, watching TV shows he doesn't approve of, meditating, fantasizing about Chris Hemsworth...

 

 

But you know what?  Though I think it's a good idea to be aware of our behavior and the behavior of our significant other, I also think it's OK to check out from time to time.

 

For a healthy long-term relationship, we all need to be able to be ourselves and do what we want.  If you are a night owl and must make yourself go to bed earlier than you want to just to please your spouse, then that right there is not going to be a happy relationship for you.

 

As I said, next month Hubby and I will celebrate 32 years of marriage, and I am reminded of why our marriage has lasted that long when I re-read the blog post I wrote when we reached 30 years "How to stay (happily) married for 30 years."

Yes, we can irritate each other from time to time but taken as a whole, do the pros outweigh the cons?  Are there more happy times than bad? Has it been a meaningful ride?

If you can answer yes to those questions, then it's OK to check out by falling asleep, being forgetful and a little boring from time to time. 

We, all of us, may be in a relationship, but we are not joined at the hip.  We are still individuals and to be happy we need to be able to be ourselves, not become what our significant other wants us to be.  So it's OK to check out from time to time.

As long as we eventually check back in.

Now I am going to go watch "The View" while Hubby is at Costco! 

 

 

Thanks for Reading!

 

See you Friday

 

for my review of the new movie 

"My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2"

 

and

 
The Week in Reviews

(What to See or Read and What to Avoid)

 and the latest on

 

"My 1001 Movies I Must See Before

 I Die Project."

 

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"Deadpool" And the Week in Reviews

[I review the new movie "Deadpool" as well as DVDs "Trumbo" and "Steve Jobs." The Book of the Week is "Raising the Barre."  I also bring you up-to-date with "My 1001 Movies I Must See Before I Die Project with "Chronicle of a Summer (Paris 1960)]




Deadpool

A former special forces operative gets special powers after a rogue experiment.

It's that time of year when movies are not vying for Oscars so the pickins' are slim.  That's how I found myself at this film.  Don't get me wrong, I know this movie is wildly popular, but let's just say that when I went up to the young man selling tickets and said, "One senior, please," he replied, "I sure haven't heard that."  And sitting through this film, I know why.

Yes, this is a super hero flick, but it is definitely NOT for children ("Iron Man," it is not) and seniors need to be cautious as well if you are easily offended, because there is much to offend here.

So there I was in this movie with a bunch of twenty-something young men, watching the gratuitous violence and gore, the gratuitous sex, the gratuitous torture, the gratuitous vulgar but snappy dialogue, and thinking, that kid was right.  Not because I'm a senior, but just because I wasn't enjoying this kind of thing.  I don't think I ever did.

But then I thought, "YOU ARE A FILM CRITIC.  YOU CAN DO THIS!  BE OBJECTIVE."

So, here goes.

Wade Wilson, AKA Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) is a Marvel comic anti-hero who first appeared in comics in 1991 and Ryan Reynolds first portrayed him in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine."  There are a couple of jokes in this one referring to Wolverine and Hugh Jackman, especially since both Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman were deemed "Sexiest Man Alive" by People Magazine. This is the eighth installment of the "X-Men" series and based on box office for this film I would say he will have his own franchise.  I smell some sequels. Oh, right, there is already one scheduled for next year.

You get the tone of the film in the opening credits where the production company is listed as Douchebag Productions (I thought, "What a clever name for a production company, and then as the credits rolled further, and the director was listed as "an overpaid tool," I got the joke) and it goes downhill from there.

To bring you up to date on Deadpool, he was once a sort of a regular guy named Wade Wilson, if an ex-special forces operative turned mercenary can be called a regular guy.  He is also a bit nutty.  He meets his match in Vanessa (Morena Baccarin) and everything is hunky dory until he finds out he has cancer.  Then a mysterious guy shows up who says he can turn him into a super hero and cure his cancer, so enter arch villain, Ajax (Ed Skrein) and his henchwoman, Angel Dust (Gina Carano).  Ajax's real name is Francis, which Wade mocks and which becomes a running joke throughout the film. 

Supposedly if you can endure the literal torture of the treatment, you become a mutant of sorts and have super powers. However, there are side effects.

Ah, the side effects: there is good news and bad news.  The good news is that our hero now is basically indestructible.  The bad news, though, for our handsome hero, is disfigurement with a face his friend Weasel (T.J. Miller) said "looked like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado."  Wade can't bring himself to let Vanessa see him like this so he dresses up in a super hero suit with a mask that covers his face and adopts the Deadpool persona and the rest of the movie is spent with Deadpool trying to find Francis who he thinks can cure him of his disfigurement and after that Deadpool plans to kill him.  Deadpool is joined by super-hero friends Colossus (voice Stephan Kapicic), who does not approve of Deadpool's bad language and penchant for killing, and a sullen teenager, Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Brianna Hildebrand - I wonder where her parents got that name from)? 

Ryan Reynolds is a versatile actor who started out as a handsome heartthrob in rom coms but has morphed into more dramatic and, in this one, dorkier parts.  I just think it's weird that he is encased in red leather for most of this film.  It could be anyone in there.

Lots of quips and comebacks, pop culture references and breaking the fourth wall asides from scriptwriters Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick that you may or may not find funny (I didn't).  There is so much of it being thrown out there rat-a-tat-tat, that it's hard to keep up with all of the jokes.  Deadpool is a wise-cracking smart ass and I never liked smart asses.

Directed by Tim Miller, this comic book hero comedy is definitely R-rated so it's not a little kids' movie and as for seniors?  We LOVE R-rated comedies if they are funny.  This one just wasn't.

Rosy the Reviewer says...there is an audience for a film like this, because it broke box office records, but definitely not for little kids and maybe not for seniors who are looking for a less raunchy comedy.

 

***Some Movies You Might Have Missed***

(And Some You Will Be Glad You Did)!

Now Out on DVD

Trumbo (2015)

Biopic of Dalton Trumbo, one of Hollywood's top screenwriters in the 1940's, until he was branded a Communist by the House Un-American Activities Committee. and blacklisted.

Dalton Trumbo (Bryan Cranston) is not a household name these days but back in the 1940's and 1950's he was a successful novelist and screenwriter and one of the highest paid writers in Hollywood until his communist affiliations landed him on the House Un-American Activities Committee's Blacklist. 

The 1950's were a dark era in American history as the Cold War spawned one of the most outrageous attempts to purge America of communists. The House Un-American Activities Committee (HUAC) was formed and went about routing out communists wherever they could find them.  Once identified, they were drummed out of their professions and anyone hiring them was also shunned and abused.  

Red baiting was felt most strongly in the Hollywood community.  Trumbo was an outspoken advocate of free speech and one of The Hollywood 10 who would not testify or name names before the Committee.  He was sent to jail for contempt and when he was released, his career languished for 10 years where he and other blacklisted writers continued to write screenplays but under pseudonyms.  He won two Academy Awards ("Roman Holiday" and "The Brave One") but could not collect them because they were either written under a pseudonym or attributed to someone else.  He also wrote "Spartacus" and "Exodus," but this time, Kirk Douglas, who was starring in "Spartacus" and Otto Preminger, who directed "Exodus" defied HUAC and gave Trumbo screenwriting credit.

Actor Edward G. Robinson (played by the wonderful Michael Stuhlbarg) is portrayed as a Communist sympathizer but instead of standing strong with the others, like many in Hollywood, he caved and named names to save his career, thus underlining what people will do to save themselves.

Bryan Cranston makes us forget his Walter White TV persona from "Breaking Bad" and lives up to his Oscar nomination for Best Actor in this tour de force where he captures Trumbo's staunch defense of our freedom of speech and his will to write.  Helen Mirren is, well, Helen Mirren, playing the imperious gossip columnist Hedda Hopper, who according to this film, was a major rabble rouser when it came to getting these writers and actors blacklisted.  Diane Lane is making a career of playing wives and mothers.  I miss her in edgier roles. Comic Louis C.K. gets to show his dramatic acting chops as a fellow writer who is committed to the cause.

Director Jay Roach deftly incorporates the actors into actual footage from the time and the impersonations of John Wayne and other actors from the The Golden Age of Hollywood are fun, but Cranston is the reason to see this film, because the movie itself is a bit disappointing.  It is a well-done film that is very earnest, yes, but it doesn't really shed any new light on HUAC or the Blacklist and the script by John McNamara from the book by Bruce Cook is often emotional and clichéd such as when Trumbo's young daughter asks, "Daddy, are you a communist?" which gives Cranston a chance to explain why he has chosen this road or the ending where he gets to give a heartfelt speech.  But it was a dark time in American history that should be remembered.

Rosy the Reviewer says...see it for Brian Cranston's bravura performance and to get mad all over again about the egregious activities of HUAC.








Steve Jobs (2015)

Biopic of Steve Jobs that starts with the launch of the Macintosh computer and ends with the launch of the IMac.

The film starts in 1984 with the launch of Apple's Macintosh computer.  Right away we see that Steve Jobs (Michael Fassbender) was not a very nice guy.  I won't use the word that would best describe him but it starts with a "d" and ends with a "k."  But Jobs is a visionary.  He doesn't write code, he is not an engineer, but he could see the future.  During a power play with President John Sculley (Jeff Daniels), Jobs is fired from Apple and goes off to do his thing until Apple starts to fail and he is called back, unrepentant and arrogant still.  In this film, he never attains nice guyness.

"Why do you want people to dislike you?"
"I don't want people to dislike me.  I am just indifferent to whether they like me or not."

The film starts out cold with little back story about the players, so if you don't know much about Jobs or Apple, you would probably be confused.  I actually know something about both and was.

This is not a typical biopic that covers Jobs' birth and growing up years or his early death of pancreatic cancer.  It concentrates on three pivotal times in Jobs' business career:  the launch of the Macintosh in 1984, the launch of NeXT computers, the company he started after he was fired from Apple, and the launch of the IMac in 1998.  Interspersed with those events are events that were also happening in Jobs' personal life.

Much is made of Jobs' complicated relationship with his illegitimate daughter, Lisa, who he refused to acknowledge until much later in life, though she was in his life and he supported and at times doted on her, an irony when it is brought to light that Jobs was adopted.

Michael Fassbender joins Eddie Redmayne, Christian Bale and Tom Hardy as, in my mind, the four best and most versatile movie actors working today.  He is amazing here and in everything he does.  He captures Jobs' megalomania but also the charisma that kept people by his side, despite his cruelty and obsessiveness.  Jobs' cruel streak is evident early in the film when he demands that Andy Hertzfeld (another great performance by Michael Stuhlbarg - see "Trumbo" above) make the Macintosh say "Hello' - no matter what!

Was Kate Winslet's performance as Joanna Hoffman worthy of a Best Supporting Actress Oscar nomination?  Yes and no.  For one thing, she had a huge part which I would say was a leading role, not a supporting role.  She is always good and projects warmth, and I am sure she captured the essence of the real woman who appeared to be the wind beneath Steve Jobs' wings, but there was an early scene when she meets Jobs' daughter, Lisa, and says something to her like "You have always liked the way I talked."  I could not figure out what that meant until 38 minutes into the movie when Kate's Polish accent suddenly kicked in.  I swear, she had nary a wee bit of accent until then and suddenly, oh, right she is Polish.

Seth Rogan plays Steve Wozniak and reminds us that despite his comedies for which he is more well-known, he is a really good dramatic actor.  Jeff Daniels as John Scully, Jobs' ultimate foil, is also very good and makes you forget "Dumb and Dumber" and "Dumb and Dumber To," which is a very good thing because both of those movies should be forgotten.

It's not easy to make a likable film about a very unlikable guy and it doesn't help that the film is very disjointed.  I can handle flashbacks and flash forwards with no problem, but this film just jumps around willy nilly.  I think it would have benefitted from a more linear approach especially since there is not much introduction to the story itself or the people involved.  Those who don't know much about the history of Apple and the drama behind the scenes or about Jobs' life would be confused.

Directed by Danny Boyle with a screenplay by Aaron Sorkin (from the book by Walter Isaacson), the cinematography had a grainy quality that I didn't like and Sorkin, who usually writes smart and witty dialogue, tends to wallow a bit in melodrama from time to time here.  Also it was never really explained why Jobs was such a d..k, I mean, unlikable person.  And speaking of clichés, for once, I wish the film had employed that biopic cliché of bringing us up-to-date with the characters before the end credits.  I mean, whatever happened to Joanna Hoffman?  Or Lisa?  I wanted to know.

Rosy the Reviewer says...I didn't care for the film itself that much but I LOVED Fassbender in it.

***My 1001 Movies I Must See Before I Die Project***

254 to go!

Have YOU seen this classic film?





Chronicle of a Summer Paris 1960 (1961)

A documentary that captures everyday life in 1960's Paris.

Shot by Sociologist Edgar Morin and anthropologist and filmmaker Jean Rouch, this is cinema verite, the first film to embody that term, a term that was invented by Rouch, and the film uses a combination of observation and performance to examine whether or not people in a film can be themselves and not "act" for the camera.

The film begins with one of the subjects asking men and women on the streets of Paris if they are happy. The film continues by interviewing a group of Paris residents - artists, factory workers, an Italian immigrant and an African student - about political issues of the day (Algerian War) and their hopes and dreams.  The film ends with the participants gathering together to watch the film and to critique it.

There is the concentration camp survivor who admits she is not attracted to black men; the Italian immigrant who has given up on life until later in the film when she has done a 360; the factory worker who expects little from life.

There are times when you can't really tell if you are seeing the truth or someone acting out the truth.

Why it's a Must See: "...one of the most significant and quoted of all documentary films...This is a visionary work...a critical exploration of the powers and techniques of 'direct' cinema."
---"1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die"

Rosy the Reviewer says...a moment in time that is almost like watching a group psychotherapy session.  A fascinating test of "cinema verite," but if you don't like to watch people talking about themselves, you probably won't like this.
(In French with English subtitles, b & w)

 

***Book of the Week***

Raising the Barre: Big Dreams, False Starts, and My Quest to Dance The Nutcracker by Lauren Kessler (2015)

A middle-aged woman seeks to live out her dream of dancing with a professional company in "The Nutcracker" ballet.

Told at the age of 12 that she would never be a ballerina, Lauren Kessler was disappointed but went on with life.  But at mid-life with her three children growing up, Kessler decided that she needed something and that something was to dance with a professional company in "The Nutcracker."

Kessler is not middle-aged in the way us over 60's think of ourselves.  She is more the 40-50 middle-aged type but that's just old enough to start having regrets and to start feeling invisible.  And Kessler never really got over being told she just didn't have what it took to be a ballerina.  Now four decades later, she finds herself restless and while her husband is away, goes on a  journey she calls the "Transcontinental Nutcracker Binge Tour," attending performances of "The Nutcracker," one right after the other in Chicago, New York, Boston and San Francisco.  This inspires her to go on another journey - to dance in "The Nutcracker."

She approaches the director of the professional ballet company in her home town, the Eugene Ballet Company, and she is given her chance, provided she can do the work.  In so doing, she discovers not only what it's like to be a part of a professional ballet company, but she discovers a great deal about herself as well.

The first thing she discovers is that she not only was not ready to take class with the professionals, she wasn't ready to take a beginner's class in a ballet company either.  She had to prep by taking a beginning class for a beginning class at a fitness center and add yoga, Pilates and Gyrotonics in an effort to lengthen her line and create something approximating a dancer's body. She has to take stock of herself in a leotard, learn to put on eye makeup (ballerinas even wear make-up to work out) and come to terms with her own perfectionism in a world that seeks it.

This is a story about ballet, but it's also a story of shaking up one's life, taking risks and trying to fulfill a dream.  It's one of those "all about the journey" stories and less about the destination, though Kessler really, really wanted to dance in "The Nutcracker."

If you want to find out if Lauren actually danced in "The Nutcracker," you will just have to read this book!

"We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance." - Japanese proverb.

Rosy the Reviewer says...balletomanes will enjoy this as well as us middle-agers who need a dose of inspiration.

 

 

That's it for this week!

Thanks for reading!

See you Tuesday for

 

"Has Your Spouse Checked Out of Your Marriage?"
(How to Tell)

 

 

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Check your local library for DVDs and books mentioned.

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Go to IMDB.com, find the movie you are interested in.  Once there, click on the link that says "Explore More" on the right side of the screen.  Scroll down to External Reviews and when you get to that page, you will find Rosy the Reviewer alphabetically on the list.

NOTE:  On some entries, this has changed.  If you don't see "Explore More" on the right side of the screen, scroll down just below the description of the film in the middle of the page.  Find where it says "Reviews" and click on "Critics." Look for "Rosy the Reviewer" on the list.

Or if you are using a mobile device, look for "Critics Reviews." Click on that and you will find me alphabetically under "Rosy the Reviewer."

 

 

 

 



 

 

How to Turn Your Undies into Origami or, Is There Joy To Be Had in Decluttering?

We Americans like fads and obsessions.  We have embraced everything from pet rocks to Tiny Tim to kale. 

 

If the success of Marie Kondo's books "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" and "Spark Joy: An illustrated Master Class on the Art of Organizing and Tidying Up" is any indication, our latest obsession is that we can only be really happy through organizing, cleaning and folding our underwear so that it looks like origami.  Well, that's how I've broken it down.  It's actually a bit more than that.

But she tells us in no uncertain terms how we can never be happy if we live amidst clutter, and since her books are best-sellers, we seem to agree with her and let her order us around about it too. Remember that book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," where the author reprimanded us Westerners for coddling our children when in fact if we want them to succeed we should be so strict that we threaten to donate their toys to the Salvation Army if they don't play a piano piece perfectly and call them "garbage" when we are displeased?

Well, speaking of garbage, these books about tidying are a sort of "Tiger Mother" of organizing and how to deal with our real garbage.

And don't be confusing tidying and cleaning.  Tidying means you are dealing with your stuff.  Cleaning means you are dealing with DIRT!

Basically Kondo wants you to get rid of everything that does not give you joy - and I mean everything.

"Some people have told me that they had almost nothing left after discarding those things that didn't spark joy and, at first, didn't know what to do."

Well, yeah. If I went on the kind of purging frenzy she endorses, and when I was done everything was gone, I would feel confused too!


She has six basic rules for tidying:

1.  Commit yourself to tidying up

If I could imagine that, I would have done it.


2.  Imagine your ideal lifestyle

My ideal lifestyle is someone ELSE doing the tidying


3.  Finish discarding first

If this means I need to do my discarding first before I can tidy, I don't see tidy in my future.


4.  Tidy by category, not by location

Basically when you do the clothes, you are supposed to gather all of the clothes in the entire house and put them in one big pile.  If you were discouraged by your clutter before, imagine having to deal with a gigantic pile of clothes sitting in the middle of a room.  Remember that scene in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" where Richard Dreyfuss builds that mountain in his living room?

I think that mound of clothes would look something like that!



5.  Follow the right order

See what I mean about being ordered around?  We not only have to get rid of everything we have, we have to do it in order: clothes first, then books, papers miscellany and finally sentimental items. 

I would be stymied by starting with the clothes.


6.  Ask yourself if it sparks joy

And here is where she lost me. 

Well, she already lost me when she said I had to gather up all of the clothes in the house and put them in a heap, but now she says to raise the joy level of things we know we need, we need to talk to them: 

"Dear old screwdriver, I may not use you much, but when I need you, why, you're a genius." 

I guess she is letting us keep the screwdriver, but because it doesn't naturally "spark joy" on its own, we have to somehow imbue it with joy.

If I had to do that to everything in the house that I needed, I think I would go crazy. 

"Hey, toilet paper roll, thanks for always being there when I need you because when you're not and I have to hippity hop over to the cabinet with my pants down (and curse Hubby for not replacing the toilet roll), that's not fun"

or

"Half empty wine bottle, thank you.  I needed that."




We are also supposed to pack our drawers like a Japanese bento box.


Her four principles of storage are: fold it, stand it upright, store in one spot and divide your storage space into square compartments.  Fold clothes like origami - she basically wants you to fold your clothes so that everything is a tight little ball that you can stand upright.

Good luck with that.  I tried. Here is what mine looked like.


It's bad enough that she is shaming us into getting our houses in order, but then she has to add a psychological component: 

"tidying up means confronting yourself."

She says, "The responsibility for mess and clutter lies 100 percent with the individual.  Things do not multiply of their own accord, but only if you buy them or receive them from someone else.  Clutter accumulates when you fail to return objects to their designated place.  If a room becomes cluttered 'before you know it,' it is entirely your own doing."

Geez, and we willingly buy and read books that sound like our parents scolding us?

Kondo also asks, "What sparks joy for you personally?"

Well, it ain't decluttering and organizing, that's for sure.  More likely wine, a new outfit and losing 10 pounds. 


I think her rules are a bit extreme. I agree with Ralph Waldo Emerson when he said, "Moderation in all things including moderation."

So I have only a couple of organizing and decluttering principles that I live by:

It is important to have everything in its place so you can find it again. 
My Dad used to say, "Leave things where you find them." He expected to find the scissors in the drawer when he needed them and there was hell to pay if he found them in my bedroom.  I learned that lesson early on.  My Dad should have written this book.  He would have made a fortune.  So true to my upbringing, nothing makes me madder (well there are some other things) than something not being where it's supposed to be.  I mean, I may be retired, but my time is still valuable and there is hell to pay if I find the scissors in Hubby's office. So I definitely learned my lesson from my Dad - "Leave things where you find them."  Hubby does not live by that principle.

I also think a messy desk at work represents a messy mind.  How can you possibly think or even write anything down with crap all over your desk?  I can't, anyway.  Organizing and decluttering your desk can also be a work task that you can do when you are bored, but make you look like you are busy.

Don't leave your shoes where someone can trip over them and possibly die.

That's about it.

But to have to analyze every object in my life to decide whether it "sparks joy," to have to defend my TV or toilet's worth in my life is kind of nuts.

Does everything in our homes have to spark joy?

Some things might be in our lives as sad reminders of those we have lost. 

Some things are just comforting, like 75 carefully chosen jackets (hey, I can shop at home)!

And some things can't be explained, they just are...

And for you messy people out there. 

You know very well if you are messy, it's unlikely you are going to change now.  Messy probably works for you.  If you haven't minded dust balls under the bed or a bathtub ring before, you probably aren't going to change now.  And if you are a true hoarder, the kind where cat poop is under layers of old Life Magazines that you have had for over 40 years, then you don't need these books, you should seek professional help.

Why do we feel so insecure that we need a book to "sort us out," and why do we dwell on these superficial things? 

Who cares if my drawers are as neat as a bento box or my closets all have matching hangers or if I have stuff that I'm not sure why I have it?

So I question these little obsessions we get that come and go.  Cleaning and organizing now.  What's next?  Finding delight in dirt?

I am not immune to obsessions as you well know: reality TV, speaking correct English, collecting underpants with the days of the week on them (TMI?), dogs in costumes.  

But that aside...

Do we dwell on the superficial so we don't have to dwell on what scares us or is difficult?  Instead of spending time arranging our undies into a bento box, should we be spending our time improving our lives and the world in other ways?



If Kondo thinks we need to confront ourselves about tidying, I certainly think there are some other things we need to confront ourselves about and if we need obsessions, here are some I would like to see.

• We become obsessed with voting at EVERY election so that we have a voice and don't suddenly find people in Congress who we can't figure out how they got there

• We become obsessed with reading so we are an informed nation

• We become obsessed with the importance of our public libraries because we realize they are the backbone of freedom of speech and we support them vigorously

• We become obsessed with helping and being thoughtful of others instead of being so focused on ourselves

• We become obsessed with being kind and realizing that everyone we meet is fighting a difficult battle (and I'm not talking about how hard it is to get your underwear into a bento box)!

Those are the kinds of obsessions where joy can be found.

I will let you add to that list.

In the meantime, I had better get to the library and return the "Spark Joy" book.  There are over 100 people waiting for it.

And when I get home I am going to imbue my television with joy and thank it for always being there when I need it and give some self esteem to my favorite chair when I plop down into it to watch "The View."

"Thank you chair, for your many hours of service!"

 

Thanks for Reading!

 

See you Friday

 

for my review of the new movie 

"Deadpool"

 

and

 The Week in Reviews

(What to See or Read and What to Avoid)

 and the latest on

 

"My 1001 Movies I Must See Before

 I Die Project."

 

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