Showing posts with label Meditation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Meditation. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 22, 2021

Rosy the Reviewer's Master Review of MasterClass - Part 2: Jon Kabat-Zinn Teaches Mindfulness and Meditation

As I said in a past blog post, "
A Little Meditation on a Little Meditation by an Unlikely Meditator," I am not the kind of person you would necessarily think was into meditation. If you had asked me 50 years ago when I was (mumble) years old, I would have said "No way." I have never been a very New Age type, not really much into most kinds of "woo woo" and I am kind of a bossy, A-Type personality so you would not think I would be into meditation, but you see I realized at some point the importance of self-awareness (that's how I can admit to being bossy), and I learned that you can't become self-aware without mindfulness, and you can't really become mindful without spending some time with yourself in meditation.

So here I am, continuing my journey with MasterClass (after spending a few hours in my first class with Gordon Ramsay), this time wanting to get deeper into meditation and who better to teach me than Kabat-Zinn, one of the foremost experts on mindfulness? He is an American professor emeritus of medicine and a founding member of the Cambridge Zen Center.  He studied with Zen Buddhist teachers which led him to integrate yoga and those teachings with medicine which in turn led to him creating the Stress Reduction Clinic and Center for Mindfulness in Medicine. So I would say this guy knows what he is doing.

Now I know you are all busy, so I thought I would do the heavy-lifting for you.  I have watched 20 videos (some long, some short) and spent over six hours with Zinn, and here it is laid out for you in hopes that you will be intrigued enough to either take this MasterClass or at least do some investigating on your own into the benefits of meditation and mindfulness.  I know it has helped me.  In addition to becoming more aware about myself, I have also become a better listener, I have become less of a know-it-all and I have stopped criticizing Hubby. Well, mostly. That's HUGE, right?

So here is a taste of what I learned:

What is mindfulness?  

Basically, according to Kabat-Zinn, it is an awareness that arises from paying attention on purpose in the present moment without judgment.  It is "to befriend the present moment as it is...and to WAKE UP."  How many of us are just sleeping through our lives, living out our routines with nary a thought to how we are feeling in the given moment?  So this is an invitation to "befriend yourself" and live your fullest life from where you are now. Thoreau went to Walden Pond to live a deliberate life so he wouldn't be on his death bed wishing he had really lived.  Mindfulness helps us live deliberately, to really live.

So to be mindful, Kabat-Zinn says there are certain attitudes we should cultivate:

Non-judging. This doesn't mean you won't judge.  It just reminds us of how judging we are.  Meditation teaches that we don't need to be imprisoned by our own likes and dislikes.

For example, I might judge someone on their clothes or how they dance or whether or not they like sports, but at least I am mindful that I am being judgy. I say to myself, "Rosy, you are being judgy.  Now stop it!"

Patience.  Meditation reminds us of how impatient we are and how we lose the present moment by anticipating some other better present moment. Mindfulness of our impatience throughout the day helps us to become less impatient.

For example, when someone in the car ahead of me holds up traffic to let someone into our lane and ahead of me, and I miss the present moment of getting through the light before it turns red because I am dreading a future present moment sitting at the damn light again, I might give him or her the finger but at least I am aware that my impatience made me do it.

The Beginner's Mind.  Being an expert on everything, thinking we already know the answer keeps us from really knowing.  Maybe we don't know as much as we think and if we keep our minds open - a beginner's mind - we might just learn something.

For example, does "mansplaining" ring a bell? You know who you are. And, you notice there is no female equivalent, right? I learned long ago that I didn't know everything and have learned to keep my mouth shut when I think I do, which in turn has made me a better listener!

Trust. We need to trust our own trustworthiness, that our intentions are authentic.

For example, I may screw up but my intentions are good and I have no problem recognizing when I screw up and trying to make it right!

Non-striving. This can sound like sitting on our butts and doing nothing.  It's almost un-American to not want to be a go-getter, right? -  but what this really means is that there really is no place to go, nothing to do and nothing to attain, and when we adopt those thoughts, the opposite happens, everything becomes attainable.  Yes, it's a paradox but we can attain more and do better work by not striving for the outcome but rather taking care in the journey.

For example, since I have retired, I take great care to sleep late; I can spend an entire day doing nothing; and I can be content going nowhere.  I am now waiting for the paradox to kick in.

Acceptance. This doesn't mean you don't work for change.  It just means you see the reality of the situation, it registers, you recognize it, you accept it and then you ask yourself if you can live with it.  If you can't, you change it.  For us to act, the reality has to register and then we have to accept that reality.  It's a recognition of things as they are, good and bad.

For example, I know that the reality of my life is that I will never be besties with Oprah, that I will never win the lottery and I will never lose that last 20 pounds.  I accept that but that doesn't mean I will give up. Acceptance of my reality allows me to take action, so I will continue to stalk Oprah, buy lottery tickets and wish I could lost 20 pounds.

So once you have some attitudes that are condusive to meditation, the next step is to get your butt on the cushion. 


Well, Kabat-Zinn said "ass," but you get the drift.  And it doesn't need to be on the floor.  You can sit in a chair or lie down but the main message is to do the practice.

Kabat-Zinn then goes into the practical basics of meditation practice, both formal and informal, how to breathe and how to deal with all of those thoughts running through your mind (you just let them come and go) followed by some guided meditations that will help you practice.  And the more you practice, the more the practice of meditation will become a rich part of your life. You will realize the importance of BEING over DOING. It's an act of love for yourself.

Kabat-Zinn also tackles dealing with pain and suffering (make friends with it), starting your morning with some hatha yoga (he shares his morning routine but he lost me at getting down on the floor!), the science behind meditation and how it positively affects our bodies. Meditation is an act of loving kindness to ourselves. 

He then ends the course with how mindfulness can heal the world! The world heals when we step out of our small-minded, self-interested personas and see the world as more than just our own tribe. Small shifts in our own attitudes can have huge effects. The present moment is all we have and we want to be present. Meditation and mindfulness helps us to do that.

When I talk about meditation, many people say "I would like to try it, but I just can't control my thoughts" or "I'm just not good at it."  Kabat-Zinn reminds us that there is no need to strive for perfection in meditation (or anything else for that matter) because we are already whole, we are already perfect just as we are.

So, was it worth it?

Yes!  Who doesn't want to be awake for one's own life? My only criticism would be that the course is long, but if you have been interested in getting started with meditation and mindfulness or you just want a refresher, this is a worthwhile and inspiring course. The guided meditations alone will help you.

Meditation has made me a better listener and a more compassionate and caring person. And after taking this course, I feel that the even better, more improved, non-judging, patient, open, trusting, non-striving, accepting and just plain groovy Rosy is right around the corner! After that, I'm going to help heal the world!

Now on to MasterClass #3 -  Tan France Teaching Style for Everyone!  You knew I would have to get into fashion at some point, right?

Thanks for reading!

See you soon!

If you enjoyed this post, feel free to click on the share buttons to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and LinkedIn, email it to your friends and LIKE me on Facebook at 

And next time you are wondering whether or not to watch a particular film, check out my reviews on IMDB (The International Movie Database). Go to, find the movie you are interested in.  Scroll over to the right of the synopsis to where it says "Critic Reviews" - Click on that and if I have reviewed that film, you will find Rosy the Reviewer alphabetically on the list (NOTE:  IMDB keeps moving stuff around so if you don't find "Critics Reviews" where I am sending you, look around.  It's worth it)!

Friday, February 16, 2018

"The Shape of Water" and The Week in Reviews

[I review the movie "The Shape of Water" as well as the DVD "The Killing of a Sacred Deer" and "A Futile and Stupid Gesture," now streaming on Netflix.  The Book of the Week is "Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics."  I also bring you up-to-date with "My 1001 Movies I Must See Before I Die Project" with "Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors"]

The Shape of Water

A strange yet touching love story between a mute woman and an amphibious creature.

I used to go to the movies with my Dad and one of my first movie memories of a horror film was a preview for "The Creature from the Black Lagoon." I was six. My Dad always liked war movies, westerns and romantic comedies, never a horror film, but once in awhile there would be a preview of a horror film, and I vividly remember that one, a huge amphibious creature carrying a helpless woman in his arms.  I am sure there is something Freudian in my early fascination with that film but we won't go there.

However, this film does go there,, but not in a horrifying way. It pays homage to that film but this film is so much more.

It's the 1960's and Elisa (Sally Hawkins) and Zelda (Octavia Spencer) are janitors at a mysterious research laboratory.  Elisa is a mute who lives alone in a shabby apartment over a movie theatre, but her best friend, Giles (Richard Jenkins) lives next door.  He is a fussy graphic artists who likes to spout trivia, who laments the state of the world and keeps his TV tuned to happy sit-coms like "Mr. Ed" and black and white musicals starring Betty Grable.

One day, a secret specimen arrives at the lab.  It's a human-sized amphibious beast (Doug Jones) who looks almost like a man.  His keeper is Richard Strickland (Michael Shannon), who is the real beast here, a cruel guy who has it out for our creature and considers him only as "the asset." He carries around a cattle prod and seems to enjoy using it on the creature. When Elisa witnesses the sadistic treatment of the creature, her heart goes out to him and she slowly earns his trust, first by sharing her lunch of boiled eggs, playing music for him, and eventually by creating a way to communicate with him, using her sign language. 

Elisa has a mysterious past that is only hinted at but the two share the fact that they both are different and her recognition of that fact and her compassion draws her to the amphibian.  When the treatment of the creature gets to be too much, Elisa enlists Giles' help to save the creature.  When they manage to escape, Strickland makes it his mission to hunt them all down and kill them.

This film is this year's "La La Land."  Like "La La Land," it's a romantic fantasy - yes, Elisa and the creature have a thing - and it's a film that you will love or hate.  I loved "La La Land" and was shocked when others said they hated it.  I loved this film, too, and will be shocked to hear that anyone would hate it but I am sure some will because it', different.

Directed by Guillermo del Toro who gave us another fantasy, "Pan's Labyrinth" and the less successful "Crimson Peak," this film has garnered 13 Oscar nominations including Best Director for Del Toro, Best Actress for Hawkins and Best Supporting nods for Spencer and Jenkins.  This is the second highest number of nominations for any film (14 is the record - "All About Eve," "Titanic" and "La La Land.")  As we all know, "La La Land" did not win "Best Picture" last year in a stunning faux pas.  This year, I think "Shape of Water" could just do it.

There is a lot going on in this film.

First, it's a romantic fantasy with Elisa falling for the sea creature and I must say, I too, found him curiously attractive.  It's also a sort of musical with a whimsical score and even a song and dance routine.  But there is a deeper undercurrent.

Giles always has his TV on, tuned to black and white musicals and many of the inane TV shows we Baby Boomers grew up with, and Giles' favorite activity is to go eat pie at a very hokey All American diner.  It's all sweet and friendly and apple pie America, until we realize that one of the reasons Giles likes to go to the pie shop is to interact with the handsome soda jerk who shows us just what a jerk he really is when he tells a black couple to get out of his shop and, realizing Giles' crush on him, orders Giles out too.

When the film took that turn, I couldn't help but think of President Trump's campaign slogan - "Make America Great Again." When he was campaigning, I kept wondering what "again" he was talking about, though it seems when people think wistfully about the good old days, they usually think of the 50's and early 60's.  So does that mean that most people want to go back to the time when The Beav and his family ruled the air waves, when Father knew best?  Do they want to relive a time when women knew their place, when there were no civil rights, no sexual revolution, no gender equality, we knew nothing about Viet Nam, we were in the throes of the Cold War, scared of "The Bomb" and gays were closeted?

This romantic fantasy is about those who are different but it also subtly shines a light on the supposed "good old days," another American romantic fantasy.

Hawkins is a marvelous British actress and is deservedly nominated for a Best Actress Academy Award for her performance. Without speaking, she expresses a thousand words with her eyes and facial expressions, an ability only the greatest actresses can pull off.  She has been nominated before (she should have been for "Maudie"), but few Americans know who she is.  I hope she is rewarded with an Oscar for her wonderful performance here and that she will become a household name, because she is just a brilliant actress. 

Octavia Spencer came to the fore in "The Help," as the feisty smart-talking no-nonsense Minnie Jackson and she has been playing that character ever since.  It seems like she gets an Oscar nomination every time she does.  I was upset she was nominated once again for playing that character in "Hidden Figures" when Taraji P. Henson did not get a nomination, since I thought Henson was the heart and soul of that film.  But I have to say that Spencer has grown on me and here shows the real depth of her acting skills.  Yes, she is still big on the quips, but she shows a real warmth and depth here that I haven't seen before.

But speaking of depth - Richard Jenkins is amazing and shows his versatility as Giles, the nervous neighbor who is Elisa's loyal friend and a gay man in a world that doesn't know he exists.

Finally, this extraordinary ensemble cast is rounded out by Michael Shannon as Strickland, who seems to embody the American Dream.  He wears a suit, drives a Caddie, lives in suburbia, reads "The Power of Positive Thinking" but he also just so happens to carry around a cattle prod and has kinky sex with his wife. He is a horror version of the American Dream, like a character out of a David Lynch film.  Shannon does evil very well but taking a look at his resume, you realize he can play just about anything.  I also have to give props to Michael Stuhlbarg as Dr. Robert Hoffstetler AKA as "Bob," who is actually a Russian spy who has designs on the creature but who is also sympathetic toward him. 

These fully formed characters are all brought together by Del Toro's vision - the story is his as is the screenplay (with Vanessa Taylor) - and it's a beautiful tale about difference triumphing over a world of conformity and restriction, beauty and kindness transcending cruelty and bigotry.

As I said, this could be a polarizing film like "La La Land." I can understand how you might not have liked "La La Land," if you are not a fan of fantasy and couldn't get past Ryan and Emma breaking into song, but then you would have been shutting yourself off from a film that was an extraordinary homage to movie-making while at the same time reminding us that life isn't like in the movies.  Likewise, here you might have a problem with a young woman falling in love with an amphibian, but if you let that get in your way, you will miss out on a charming uplifting fantasy that has much to say about our lives now.

Rosy the Reviewer says... And the Oscar goes to....

***Some Movies You Might Have Missed***
(And Some You Will Be Glad You Did)!

On DVD  

The Killing of a Sacred Deer (2017)

After befriending a strange young man, a successful surgeon's life starts to fall apart and he is presented with a "Sophie's Choice."

Colin Farrell plays Steven Murphy, a heart surgeon, so to make sure we know he is a surgeon we have to endure some heart surgery up close and personal, a movie cliché I can do without. Next we see him meeting a young man in a diner.  They act like they know each other but their relationship is not clear.

Steven is also married to Anna (Nicole Kidman), herself a doctor (an opthalmologist) and they have two children, Kim (Raffey Cassidy) and Bob (Sunny Suljic).  I have to say that Bob as a name for a young boy seems funny to me and speaking of funny, this film is funny and I don't mean in a comic way. I mean in a strange way. Whenever my mother expressed distaste for someone she would say he or she was "funny" as if they were somehow off.  That's how these characters appear.  For example, Steven and Anna have a sexual ritual where he says "General anesthetic?" and she wordlessly disrobes and lies on the bed as if anesthetized while he pleasures himself.  See what I mean?  Kind of funny.

We learn later that the young man is Martin (Barry Keoghan), a sixteen-year-old who seems to have some kind of nefarious hold on Steven. We think this because whenever Steven is with Martin the music is ominous and strident.  Steven invites Martin to his home and everyone talks in a very stilted and inappropriate way such as Bob asking Martin if he has hair under his arms and Kim volunteering that she started her period.  Like I said, funny...but also ominous, like something bad is going to happen.

And it does.

Martin starts stalking Steven and all of a sudden, Steven's family starts to fall ill.  Now the music is really ominous and strident, and this film becomes one of those films where a family is terrorized by someone seeking revenge.  It seems that Martin blames Steven for his father's death and wants to settle the score in a very unique and macabre way.

It took about an hour for this film to get going but once it did it was horrific.

Barry Keoghan, who also starred in "Dunkirk," is a frightening Martin just because he is so flat and emotionless and Farrell is uncharacteristically toned down and less fidgety than usual.

Written and directed by Yorgos Lanthimos, who also wrote and directed "The Lobster," which I loved, I found this film to be less accessible.  "The Lobster" was strange and dark and quirky as is this one, but it seemed to have more heart.  This one is just strange and dark.  It also had a musical score that was very dissonant which makes sense because this film is a sort of horror film but it got on my nerves after awhile.
As for Nicole Kidman, you have to hand it to her.  She is not afraid to take on controversial roles that are not necessarily glamorous ones.  There is a scene where she kisses Martin's feet and that's when this film kind of lost me.  Like I said, these people are funny.  The whole film was kind of funny.

Rosy the Reviewer says...a dark tale about love and sacrifice that seems to say that we only sacrifice when it isn't going to hurt us too much.  And that's not so funny.

Streaming on Netflix

A Futile and Stupid Gesture (2018)

A docudrama and biopic about the origins of the National Lampoon and its founder, Doug Kenney.

Straight from the Sundance Film Festival and snapped up by Netflix, this film chronicles the beginnings of the National Lampoon, the humor magazine that dominated the 70's and 80's and highlights the life of Doug Kenney who started the magazine and who also brought us "Animal House," and "Caddyshack."

You have probably heard of the National Lampoon but Doug Kenney is probably not a name you recognize but he was the brains behind the edgy humor that fueled the National Lampoon.  He was also a bit of a jerk.

Narrated by Martin Mull, who plays the older version of Kenney, an interesting device considering how the film ends, the film begins with the young Kenney growing up in white bread America and then attending Harvard where he (Will Forte) meets Henry Beard (an almost unrecognizable Domhnall Gleason, who is everywhere these days), a young man who sports tweeds and pipes, the "oldest guy who was ever a teenager."  The two were both smart ass Harvard guys who were always on, ragging each other and others so they bonded and took over the Harvard Lampoon, the campus humor paper, and together wrote a Tolkien satire, "Bored of the Rings."

Henry was going to go to law school after graduation but the success of the Harvard Lampoon gave Kenney the idea that together they could launch a national humor magazine so Henry forgoes law school and the two approach magazine publishers to no avail until they talk to someone at...wait for it... "Weight Watchers."  You can't make this up, and how appropriate and yes, funny, that an edgy humor magazine would be funded by one of the publishers of "Weight Watchers Magazine."  So funded, the two go about hiring writers and the first was Michael O'Donoghue (Thomas Lennon), who became one of the main writers on SNL and wrote some of the strangest sketches.  If the sketch was very, very dark and very, very out there, it was usually by O'Donoghue.  Kenney and Beard gathered other subversive comedy writers (many who went on to work at SNL) and started putting out edgy satiric commentary like this:

"If Ted Kennedy drove a VW he'd be President now."

And subversive covers. One showed a dog with a gun to its head with the caption: "If you don't buy this magazine, we will kill this dog."

That kind of thing.

The magazine was outrageous and controversial (they were getting sued by everyone) but it took off.

The film is awash in pop culture icons from that era:  Tom Snyder, Gilda Radner, Bill Murray, Christopher Guest, Chevy Chase, John Belushi.  All were involved in the early days of the National Lampoon.

And then Doug came up with the idea for a movie about college and "Animal House" was born, a film starring unknown actors that turned out to be the highest grossing comedy in movie history and then "Caddyshack." Doug was on a roll.

Enter cocaine. In those days, cocaine always seemed to come with success and Doug succumbed to it as well as other excesses.

And as I said, Kenny was a smart ass.  I guess you would have to be to launch a humor magazine and write some of the funniest screenplays ever.  But I am not a big fan of smart asses and guys who are always on and that for me was the problem with this film.  Some of the things he did and said were just cringe worthy. If we are to care about Kenney, he has to come down to earth some time and we have to see the real man behind the wisecracks and the bravado, but he never does and we never do.  He is a total goof off and not a very nice guy.  He was a womanizer, a cheater and not a very loyal friend and he eventually went over the edge literally with his excessive lifestyle and when he did, I just didn't really care.

Written by Michael Colton, John Aboud (based on the book by Josh Karp) and directed by David Wain, the film boasts an all star cast and is a reminder that the great comedians and comedy writers of our time were often the most messed up.  Comedy is serious business. But the film tried to do too much and ultimately felt like a superficial run down of Kenney's life and lacked real heart.  Doug Kenny as portrayed by Will Forte is a guy who is really, really hard to like or relate to and Forte's wigs were awful.

Rosy the Reviewer says...I know Kenney influenced magazine, movie and TV history but I found his portrayal in this film to be so obnoxious that I just didn't care about him or the film.

***My 1001 Movies I Must See Before I Die Project***

155 to go!

Have YOU seen this classic film?

Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors (1965)

A Carpathan folk legend about Ivan and Marichka, two young lovers from feuding families, who fall in love, and but then Marichka dies, and we are left with the tragic dirge of a life that follows for Ivan.

Set in the 19th century Carpathian mountains in the Ukraine, this films uses a series of vignettes to tell the story of Ivan (Ivan Mykolaichuk), who meets Marichka (Larisa Kadochnikova) and falls in love with her. However, she is the daughter of man who killed Ivan's father, which doesn't go over very well, but they marry anyway.  Then Marichka gets pregnant. Then she dies.  Then Ivan falls in love again.  Then he is betrayed and things don't end well for our Ivan. That's basically it and it's all very grim. But while this is all happening, there is crop harvesting, horse-showing, bread making, dancing and singing. It's a celebration of Ukrainian folk life so it's almost a documentary except for the occasional death by drowning and a bit of cheating.

Directed by Sergei Parajanov from the novel by Mikhaylo Kotsyubinsky (adapted by Ivan Chendej), the film goes back and forth between color and black and white and I never figured out why. It's also all very folkish and folk songy and takes forever to get to the point.  Very arty and very boring, and the strident score for this film is the one of the most annoying I have ever heard.

So why was I supposed to see this?

Why it's a Must See:  "[The director's] merging of myth, history, poetry, ethnography, dance, and ritual is one of the supreme works of the Soviet sound cinema..."
---"1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die"

Rosy the Reviewer says...if you like Russian folk music or you enjoy watching crop harvesting and horse shoeing, you might like this but for me, zzzzzzzzz.

***Book of the Week***

Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics: A 10% Happier How-To Book by Dan Harris (2017)

Dan Harris wants us to be happier...and he thinks meditation is the key.

Harris is a recognizable correspondent for ABC News and a regular Weekend news anchor.  He is also the author of "10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works - A True Story." What you may not know is that Harris famously had a panic attack live on air which led him to some major soul searching and that first book.  

So how do you get 10% happier?

Well, one way, according to Harris, is to make meditation a regular part of your life.  Like most converts, Harris is a zealot for meditation.  He and his co-author even went on tour by bus to get the word out.  Before that famous panic attack, he was a self-described a**hole who was consumed by work and the path to success, and he wants the world to know that he at least now knows he was an a**hole.

So this book is an accessible and self-deprecating tale of Harris's journey to meditation and its benefits.  His mantra now is, if he can do it, you can do it.

Likewise, if I can do it, you can do it.

Yes, I am also a believer. 

I have been following the Oprah/Deepak school of meditation and wrote about how it has helped me in my blog post "A Little Meditation on a Little Meditation by an Unlikely Meditator" which I wrote back in 2014.  So I am not a skeptic and not necessarily fidgety, but I was drawn to this book to give me some pointers because I am always interested in the insight of others.

Whenever I tell someone I am into meditation, the first thing that person says is, "Oh, I could never shut off my mind" or "I could never sit still that long" or "I don't have time" or "If I go into my mind like that, the devil might get inside me."

And that's the point of this book - to clear up those misconceptions and show you how easy it is to take a break from all of those thoughts in your head and get some clarity.

I know this is difficult to believe, but you are not your thoughts.  Thoughts are just thoughts and you get a better understanding of that when you start practicing meditation.

There are many ways to meditate, but this book is all about "mindfulness meditation," which is derived from Buddhism but does not require adopting a belief system or declaring yourself to be a Buddhist.  This is just a "simple, secular exercise for the brain," that promotes calm, focus and mindfulness.  You can do it for 30 minutes, 10 minutes, or even just one minute.

Here are some tips for the beginner:

  • Approach the establishing of a meditation habit an an experiment.  You're not making a lifetime commitment.
  • Be willing to fail. Know that it's part of the process.
  • Start small.  Don't take on too much too soon.  One minute counts!
  • Try attaching mediation to a pre-existing habit (For example, 'After I shower or run, or have my morning coffee, I meditate for a minute)'
  • Stay on the lookout for the life benefits. Let them pull you forward.

Harris ends the book with this:

" a kind of disembedding from the various which we live our lives...But it is possible to burst your own bubble of self-absorption...what comes forward is greater attunement to other people...and also closer connection to life's fundamental mysteries.  You shift from being stuck in the content of your thoughts to being amazed that you are thinking in the first place...[you] undestand the sacred fact that you're alive."

Rosy the Reviewer says...this book is a down-to-earth, easy to understand primer on meditation that will help you find the road to happiness.

Thanks for reading!
See you next Friday 

for my reviews of the Oscar Nominated films

"The Darkest Hour"


"Call Me By Your Name"

as well as
The Week in Reviews
(What to See or Read and What to Avoid)

 and the latest on

"My 1001 Movies I Must See Before 
I Die Project." 

If you enjoyed this post, feel free to copy and paste or click on the share buttons to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and LinkedIn, email it to your friends and LIKE me on Facebook at

Check your local library for DVDs and books mentioned.
Next time you are wondering whether or not to watch a particular film, check out my reviews on IMDB (The International Movie Database). 

Go to, find the movie you are interested in.  Scroll down below the synopsis and the listings for the director, writer and main stars to where it says "Reviews" and click on "Critics" - If I have reviewed that film, you will find Rosy the Reviewer alphabetically on the list.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

All The Lonely People: The Ultimate Guide to Avoiding Being One of Them When You Get Old

"All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?"

From the looks of things - how we treat our older adults - apparently they all belong in some sort of retirement community or worse, a nursing home.

Eleanor Rigby is not alone in her loneliness. 

Many people in the world are lonely, but being old and lonely is its own kind of loneliness.

As I age, I start worrying about where I am going to end up when everyone else is gone.  If I outlive Hubby and my friends, then what?

My mother ended up all alone in a nursing home where the underpaid staff of young people seemed to care more about standing around talking about their dates than making sure the inmates, er, residents had their diapers on. Hubby's dad ended up in a place where he was constantly hearing hard luck stories from the staff and giving them money.

But before we get to the endgame of loneliness, what do we do now while we still have our faculties and some ability to make our own decisions about how we want to spend the rest of our lives?

Is loneliness and ending up alone in an institution automatically our fate when we grow old?

I say no, but there are factors that can lead to a lonely life.

It's one thing to be old, retired and alone in the town you grew up in.  Even though your spouse and parents might be dead, you most probably have a network of friends that you have had since childhood.  But many of us no longer live in the towns where we grew up.  We have moved around the country, or even the world, chasing jobs, loves and adventure, in each place having to start over making friends and creating a supportive community.  But we did it.

However, as we get older, finding ourselves in a new town and having to start over gets harder and harder.  We might not have the resources that we had when we were younger or if we had stayed in our hometowns.  Many of us old folks move to be near our adult children and grandchildren, not realizing how difficult it might be to start a new life in a new place as an older adult.  When we were young, we could walk down to the neighborhood bar and when we left, we would have had at least one new friend.  But trying to make friends when we are in our 50's, 60's and 70's is not that easy. 

  • If you have a job, the potential for friendships is there.
  • If you belong to a church, fine.  Instant community.
  • If you have a hobby and can join a gun club or tennis club, perhaps that is a good way to make new friends.
  • If you have moved voluntarily to a retirement community and there are all kinds of activities you are interested in, then great.

  • But what if you work from home? 
  • What if you are retired and can't afford to move to a retirement community?
  • What if you have health issues that restrict your mobility?

When you move to a new place, your peers most likely have their own families and friends.  They are not looking to take on new friends.  Friends take time and energy.  Even if you have moved to be near your grandchildren, your adult children have busy lives and your grandchildren have their own activities and friends.  Unless you live with them, you can't rely on them as your sole source of companionship and social life. 

I volunteer as a counselor for seniors who are going through bereavement, health issues or big changes in their lives.  Mostly, they are women who are alone and some are sadly warehoused into nursing homes or some kind of facility where their adult children don't have to worry about them.  And these parents didn't go there because they wanted to.  They went because they "didn't want to be a burden" to their kids. 



My own mother, who was a beautiful proud woman, ended up in such a place and it is something I don't think I will ever get over.  She had a stroke that affected her brain and caused some dementia, but don't think she didn't know that she was alone and without her family.  She did.  And she was the type of person who would also have not wanted to be a burden.

My mother had a stroke which resulted in dementia and she ended up in a nursing home.  I won't go into the details about why and how that happened, but it did.  And I remember she didn't want to go, but at the time, it didn't seem like she was able to stay on in her home alone.

But let me tell you, she might have been confused about where she was or not remember much about the immediate past, but she did know she wasn't with her family.  She also knew her niece's phone number.  My cousin, my mother's favorite niece, who lived in the town where I grew up and where my mother lived her entire life, had spent a lot of time with my mother over the years and was very good to my mother.  But my cousin had to change the ring on her phone for my mother's calls, because my mother called her every day, sometimes more than once, to ask when she was going to come and get her. I don't blame my cousin at all for not wanting to answer her phone every day and have to deal with my mother, but can you imagine what it must have been like for my mother to call for someone to come and get her and no one answered?  If that doesn't wrench your heart, I don't know what would.

As I mentioned, I volunteer as a senior counselor. One of my clients is housebound because of some physical issues.  She not only has difficulty moving around but she has lost the desire to do anything at all.  She wants to work with me to figure out how to deal with her situation and to find some motivation.  She moved thousands of miles from where she had lived all of her life to be near her son and grandson but only sees them once a week.   She has mobility issues and rarely leaves her home which restricts her ability to meet people. What will she do with the rest of her life? 

Another client was in a nursing home for people with dementia but did NOT have dementia.  Her health problems required nursing care but she had all of her mental faculties.  She had no one to talk to except the caregivers and her daughter, who visited once a week, unless she wanted to try to talk to one of the inmates, er, residents, a resident who thought she was on a vacation and her son was going to pick her up any day now or the guy who thought he was the king of Romania.

It seems to me that there were solutions for these people to be more of a part of their families rather than languishing alone. But what is surprising is that many people who find themselves in these situations wouldn't say they wanted their adult children to care for them even if they would.  As I said, the mantra seems to be "I don't want to be a burden."

From what I have seen, I am just appalled.  How can a loved one be a burden?

What has happened to us that instead of revering our aged population and spending time with them and learning from them, we would rather put them out of sight where we don't have to "worry about them." 

That is very different from how it used to be or how it is in other cultures where getting older was not a curse but something to be respected, where families looked after their aging relatives and learned from them.

My husband's parents took care of his grandmother.  She lived with them until her death and he remembers time with her fondly.  My grandparents lived across the street from us and my Dad went over there every day and fixed their dinner.  They both lived and died in their own home, and before they died they were able to interact with their grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

Sure, your adult children or loved ones are busy, but you were busy, too, when you were raising them, and now it's their turn if they have the means.  I know many people are struggling and don't have space for a parent or the financial ability to help.  I get that.  But I have seen situations where the ability was there but not the desire.  Sad.

Many of us don't want to be a burden to our kids or loved ones.  But did it ever occur to you that perhaps your kids and loved ones want to take care of you?  Maybe some of you have kids who now realize all you did for them and they want to return the favor.  Or not.

And if it's not, then for better or worse, for those of us who can't afford or don't want to move to a retirement community, I would guess that most of us want to stay in our own homes.  OK, if I am living alone, maybe I might fall.  Get me that alert thing that calls the paramedics. Maybe I will meet a cute paramedic.  And perhaps if my brain isn't what it once was, I might leave something on the stove and burn the house down.  OK, it's my house and I'd rather die that way than in a nursing home where I have no freedom and am treated like a prisoner for the rest of my life.

This is not for those of you who have the means and want to move to a retirement community where you have assistance, your meals, and when the time comes, nursing care. Good for you for making plans.  But those situations are very expensive and some of us don't have the means to do that nor do we want to.  Maybe we don't want to have to get rid of most of our belongings and move into a community where we don't know anyone, where there are rules we have to follow and we are treated like children.

Adult children this is for you:

Put yourselves in your parents' shoes.

How would you feel about being yanked out of your home, a home you have lived in for 25 years or more, to be placed in a strange place with strange people where you are not allowed to leave just because you have some health/mental/whatever problems that have become a problem for your children? 

How would you feel being put into a place where there are rules about what you can do, where you can go, what you can eat?

How would you like to be left alone with strangers, some of whom don't know what day it is?

Sure, you worry about your parent.  You don't want that call in the middle of the night that your parent has fallen down or set the house on fire.

But I would bet that if you asked your loved one if he or she would rather go to a nursing home or drop dead at home, the answer would be the latter. 

So before you stuff your loved one into a nursing home or someplace he or she doesn't want to be, I implore you to exhaust all options available in your community.  Your parents exhausted themselves taking care of you.  Now it's your turn.

Washington State is a leader in services for the aging population.  Because of what happened to my mother, I have become an advocate for "aging in place." I had the privilege of serving on the local Council on Aging where I was made aware of all of the services available to help people "age in place," i.e. stay in their own homes as long as possible, despite health and financial issues.  And before you say anything about how is this paid for and you don't want higher taxes and all of that, it has been proven that it is cheaper to provide services to help people stay in their own homes than to put them into an institution.
There are counseling programs that I mentioned earlier, companion programs, food services, senior centers, adult daycare, etc.  Find out what services and programs are available in your town that will help you care for your loved one, so your loved one can "age in place."

Now here is my message to my own kids. 

I may get forgetful or even suffer from dementia.  I may not be able to get around anymore, but I do not want to be warehoused.  I do not want to live amongst a bunch of other old people.  I DO want to be a burden so get used to it.  I took care of you and now it's your turn.

Besides, one of the main reasons I can't move into an old people's home is there wouldn't be enough room for all of my clothes.

But mainly, all of you "kids" out there, I want to save you from regret and guilt, which I guarantee you will have if you send your parents away against their will and they let you, because they "don't want to be a burden."  I live with the regret and pain every day that I couldn't save my mother.

Now, you old Baby Boomers, this is for you:

Whether you are or will be in your hometown in your own house when your spouse and most of your peers have died and your kids (if you have them) have moved away or you are all alone in a new town or assisted living facility, how do you cope with the loneliness that might accompany moving to a new place or suddenly being alone?
Whatever our circumstances, as we age, how do we keep living the life we deserve to live - a full one that brings us joy?

First of all, do what you can to plan for the inevitable, to decide what you want to do and how you want to live out your life, especially if you can't really make the decision for yourself, and make sure your kids or loved ones know what your wishes are. 

Find out what services are available through your local Senior Services or equivalent.  Even though you are alone and might not know many people, try to avoid being isolated. If you are able, volunteering is a good way to stay connected with people.  If you don't have one already, get a computer and learn how to use it.  Sign up for Facebook so you can talk to your children and grandkids or friends online, but don't "friend" anyone you don't know (beware of being scammed.  If a handsome stranger in a military uniform 30 years younger than you wants to "friend" you on Facebook, sorry.  He's not interested in you.  He's in a sweat shop somewhere overseas and just wants your money.  Don't fall for it). But reach out. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. There are all kinds of ways to stay connected.

But in the end, even if your living situation is to your liking, at some point you will probably find yourself alone and feeling lonely. 

As one great sage from "Real World New Orleans" said, "I am never lonely because everywhere I go, I am there." 

I know.  He wasn't a sage.  He was just a kid on "The Real World," and I think he stole that from Buddha or some other famous person, but that doesn't matter, the sentiment remains the same.  As you get older, it's important to remember that your true self is always with you, that you are your own best friend, so it's important to enjoy your own company and to recognize the joy that exists in your life. 

Your thoughts might tell you that you are old, alone and lonely, but you are not your thoughts.  Your thoughts will sometimes tell you things that make you sad, that tell you that you don't matter or what's the point of your life?  But those are just thoughts. Thoughts come and go. They are not you.  

You.  You will always be you. No matter how old you get, how wrinkled, how infirm, if you are at home alone or in a nursing home, you will always be you, and your very existence matters and is the whole point.  No one and nothing can take that from you.  Your body may have changed and gotten old, but your true self is still inside there, the person you have always been. 

No matter what, you are still YOU, the you that can choose joy.

When my clients in the counseling program are struggling with health issues, getting old, circumstances that they can't control, I try to convey that to them.

And I tell myself that too.

Even though I am old and can't do all of the things I used to do... Even though I am far from my children and grandchildren and get lonely and sad at times... Even though I don't know what the future holds...I remind myself that I am still me.  I will always be me, that person who can find joy in little things like a nice big bowl of gelato or a particularly good episode of the British soap opera I watch or a moving figure skating routine or reading a good book or relishing a great movie or watching the antics of my dogs or looking out my window and noticing the sun peeking through the trees, reminding me that I exist.

In those moments, I know I can reject the negative thoughts that come and go and choose joy instead.

I can also reflect back on my life, and when I do that, I am reminded of the person I was and will always be and there is also joy in that.

I will always be the young girl who loved her parents and had a happy childhood,

and who wanted to be an actress.


I will always be the woman who raised two successful children she loves,

who had a long and happy marriage to a man she loves,

who loves her grandchildren,

who had a successful and satisfying career,

who likes to dress up her dogs,


who finds joy in movies and books and food and fashion,

who writes a blog, and who has always tried to do the right thing and be a better person. 

When I am aware of all of those things, I feel joy and that joy I feel is my true self speaking, that part of me that has always been there.

My true self says,"You did good, kid (I know that's bad English but I don't want to be correcting my true self when she is saying something nice to me)!  And you are still here.  There is still more joy to be felt and life to be lived. You might have some bad days but, just remember, there is always tomorrow, and tomorrow might be filled with joy. Who knows? But you want to be here to find out, don't you?" 

And likewise, no matter where or how you end up, you will always be the person who lived and loved, who lives and loves, who feels joy when you think of all you have done and the joy you still feel in little things.  You may be old, but you will always be YOU and those moments of joy are glimpses into your true self reminding you that YOU are there and will always be there, and you will never really be alone.

So when you are feeling old, alone and lonely and wonder what's the point of getting up each day, tap into that core of your existence, your true self, that space inside you that has experienced joy, and despite your circumstances, can still experience joy, even if it's just a snuggle from your cat or watching your favorite TV show. Choose joy. Remind yourself that every time you feel some joy, no matter how small, it's your true self, YOU, reminding you that you are alive and you are still and always will be YOU and no one and nothing can take that away from you.

Hopefully knowing that, even though you are alone, you won't be lonely.

Now go tell your loved ones you are so looking forward to their taking care of you!

Thanks for Reading!
See you Friday
for my review of

"The Handmaiden,"
The Week in Reviews
(What to See or Read and What to Avoid)

and the latest on

"My 1001 Movies I Must See Before 
 I Die Project."

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