What I Have Learned From Magazines

Magazines have shaped my life ever since I discovered my older sister's stash of "Seventeen" magazines when I was seven years old.

And it wasn't all good.

 

 

Imagine a chubby, red-headed little precocious 7-year-old with a Dutch boy haircut finding out at an early age that she was supposed to be reed thin, have long blonde hair, know how to talk to boys and wear a girdle (it was the 50's).

As I matured it got even harder.

I learned from magazines that I was fat (though when I look at pictures of my young self, I now know I wasn't), not pretty, and socially inept as I flunked all of those Cosmo quizzes.

From the quizzes, I discovered I wasn't a good lover, couldn't handle money and was destined to never get married (well, one of those was true).

I couldn't stop trying to emulate the models in the magazines and live up to the images and articles being sold there.  It never occurred to me that the models were air-brushed and photo shopped into those ideal pictures. And can you imagine anyone trying to be as skinny as "Twiggy?"

Magazines also fed my clothes addiction. 

I would go to great lengths to find some of the outfits featured in the magazines, which in turn led to some hefty credit card bills that did not make for happy Dads and Hubbies.

But all of those clothes didn't necessarily help my self-esteem either, because once I found the outfit, I could never figure out why it didn't look as cute on me as it did on the model.  Twiggy.  Me.  Me. Twiggy.


But on the plus side,

I had cute clothes, and all of that sleuthing to find the clothes from the magazines taught me to be very persistent and imaginative.  Maybe that's why I was such a good reference librarian later in life.  So there's a plus - magazines taught me ingenuity.

I also learned how to put on make-up (great for the aspiring actress that I was), iron my hair straight, how to create cute ensembles, and

I also learned how to model.

My first fashion show.  Note my attention to detail as I hold the towel in a nonchalant way.

Later, the placement of the feet and the nonchalant expression were key.

 

But as I matured, the feet were still good, but I learned that a nonchalant expression could also be interpreted as a "resting bitch face, (learned that from a magazine too)" so decided the nonchalant expression didn't look so good on a 60-year-old.  Smiling, holding your head up and making sure the picture was taken from above minimized bitch face, turkey neck and just all-around lumpiness.

However, in addition to fashion tips, growing up, I also learned some practical things from magazines such as the "spoon test."

If you can remember back to the 60's and 70's, many of us women eschewed bras.  Some of us shouldn't have.  So the magazines were very helpful in providing information that would tell you if you were a candidate to go braless. 

The test involved your placing a spoon under one of your breasts and if you could hold it there and it didn't fall out, you probably should not go braless.  If, on the other hand, you couldn't hold the spoon, then your breasts were small enough that your going braless would not cause a sensation.  That's what the magazines said anyway. 

However, looking back, I think the point was to actually cause a sensation. 

But I was not well endowed, so I not only didn't pass the "spoon test," I couldn't find a place to put the spoon. 

However, to get past "The Parent Test," I sometimes had to place some band aids strategically.  That was another tip I got from the magazines.

But despite those few positive tips and tricks, I can't say that magazines helped my self-image much when I was younger. 

I beat myself up a lot as many young women do as they try to meet the "ideals" portrayed in the fashion mags.

Now that I am a woman of a certain age, I don't need magazines to tell me I am old, overweight, a bad lover or anything else because when you get to a certain age, you don't have to prove anything to anyone and you don't care what anyone else thinks.  Or you shouldn't. 

You've paid your dues and can now rest on that big butt of yours and enjoy the rest of your life.

Oh, that reminds me of another thing I learned from magazines (and if you read my blog, I quote it often).  French actress Catherine Deneuve said, at 30 you had to choose between your bottom or your face, meaning you can't have both a young and beautiful face and a small and beautiful butt.  Want to save your face as you age?  Then don't get too skinny.  Want to have a plump unlined face?  Let that big butt reign!

I am sitting on my big butt right now.

I still read magazines, though "Seventeen" and "Cosmo" have been replaced by "Cooking Light" and "Good Housekeeping."  My desire to wear the latest fashions and look like the models has been replaced by my desire to keep my produce fresh and my wine cold.

So what I thought were practical tips in my younger years ("The Spoon Test") have been replaced by tips that relate to me now:

Here's one:

I learned that 65 is the new 45. 

That's very encouraging.

 

                        45                                                              65
                                                                                                                                  
So do your math to figure out your "real" age!

Also, you know how you are in the shower and you want to shave your legs but you forgot to bring the shaving cream into the shower with you?  And you would have to leave the shower, dripping wet, to retrieve it and possibly slip and fall and break a hip? 

Hair conditioner. Conditioner works great as a shaving cream.

Where did I learn that?  From a magazine.

I have also learned the importance of decluttering, having emergency supplies on hand, not just at home but in my car as well (I heard THE BIG ONE IS COMING), and how to keep my kitchen clean by doing one small task every day (Day 1 - wipe down your appliances.  I can do that.  Day 2 - Mop the floor.  Not so much).

Here are some other things I have learned:

• Add an apple to a potato bag to keep the potatoes from budding
• Freeze grapes to have a handy, quick way to chill a glass of white wine
• Egg cartons are a great place to store your Christmas tree ornaments
• If you want your ice cubes to be clear, freeze boiling water
• Remove pet hair from your couch by using a squeegee
• Hang a coat rack low on the wall to keep shoes off of the floor in your mudroom
• If you don't have a particular ingredient for a recipe, make something up (that tip actually came from me)!

For good or ill, magazines have played a large role in my life, and I have made no attempt to conceal my love of magazines and, though you may judge me about it, you can see that I have learned some practical things which I have now shared with you.

And that's because I always try to be educational and inspirational in my blog posts.

So, you are very welcome.

And hey, have some tips to share that YOU learned from magazines?

See you Friday

for my review of the new movie 

 

"American Ultra" 

and

 

The Week in Reviews

 

(What to See or Read and What to Avoid)

 

and the latest on

My 1001 Movies I Must See Before

 I Die Project."

 

If you enjoyed this post, feel free to click on the share buttons to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and LinkedIn, email it to your friends and LIKE me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/rosythereviewer

"Irrational Man" and The Week in Reviews

[I review Woody Allen's new movie "Irrational Man" and DVDs "Tangerines" and "Serena."  The Book of the Week is "Bright Lights, Big Ass," a Millennial's view of life in the Big City .  I also bring you up to date on "My 1001 Movies I Must See Before I Die Project" with the classic film about getting old, "Make Way for Tomorrow"]



Irrational Man

In this new Woody Allen film, Abe Lucas (Joaquin Phoenix) is the new professor of Continental Philosophy at Braylin, a small liberal arts college in Rhode Island.  He is not a happy man until he finds a new purpose: committing the perfect crime.

When Abe arrives at Braylin, everyone is all atwitter because Abe is a famous writer with an exotic past.  However, Abe is having an existential crisis calling his own path in life, philosophy, nothing more than "verbal masturbation."

He embarks upon a relationship with one of his students, enthusiastic, wide-eyed A-student Jill Pollard (Emma Stone), while at the same time having sex with one of the other teachers, married but bored Rita Richards (Parker Posey).  Jill has a boyfriend, Roy (Jamie Blackly), but is drawn to Abe's dark, brooding personality. 

What is it with women and the sad types? As many women do, she thinks she can fix him.  But nothing makes him happy until Jill and he overhear a woman in a booth behind them at a restaurant complaining about her custody issues and how unfair the judge is being to her.  The idea comes to Abe that for the greater good, he needs to get rid of that judge.  Creating the perfect murder gives Abe a new reason to live.  He is even able to rationalize that what he is doing is the the right and moral thing to do.

Unlike many of Woody's recent films, this film has a plot.  He has tackled murder mysteries before, "Match Point," being one.  Here Woody casts his eye on the lengths people will go to to find meaning in their lives.

Nobody does tormented like Joaquin Phoenix and he gets to twitch to his heart's content here.  His monotone delivery is in keeping with the characters angst and I couldn't take my eyes off of the decided beer belly he has given his character.
Must be all of that single malt Abe seems to love.

And no one plays wide-eyed like Emma Stone, because she has the biggest eyes of today's young actresses.  She appears to be Woody's latest muse ("Magic in the Moonlight").  He seems to always need one.  The last one was Scarlett ("Match Point" and "Scoop"), and then most famously Mia ("Alice") and Diane ("Annie Hall" and others) with Mariel ("Manhattan") and Penelope ("Vicki Christina Barcelona") and others along the way. But that is understandable because Woody writes great roles for women, because it's obvious he loves them, though his neuroses obscures exactly how he feels about them. 

Parker Posey has been an indy darling for years and is starting to look it but she puts in a great performance.  One couldn't help but wonder why she never broke through into superstardom.

There are certain things you can always count on with a Woody Allen movie:  He will put one out every year, it will have black and white opening and closing credits, there will be jazz (this time Ramsey Lewis), a young beautiful muse (as mentioned earlier), a life is meaningless theme and biting satire, Woody Allen Style.  Woody Allen is not a happy man either.  His views on life have always been existential, but it doesn't matter, because he is also a very smart and funny man.

Rosy the Reviewer says...a smart movie for smart people.

***DVDS***

You Might Have Missed

(And Some You Will Be Glad You Did)

Tangerines (2015)

As the Georgian-Abkhazian (1992-1993) conflict breaks out in Georgia, Ivo (Lembit Ulfsak), an Estonian, has stayed behind to help his neighbor harvest his tangerines.  He is minding his own business until soldiers from conflicting sides are wounded on his doorstep.

Most Estonians living in the Georgia region have left since the war between the Georgians and Chechens began.  But Ivo and another farmer, Margus (Elmo Nuganen), have stayed behind to tend to their tangerines and they aren't bothering anyone.  The tangerine orchard belongs to Margus, but Ivo makes wooden boxes to contain the tangerines. Together they will harvest them. However, when  a scuffle breaks out on the road in front of Ivo's house between the two opposing sides, all are killed except two who are left wounded, one Chechen, Ahmed (Giorgi Nakashidze), and one Georgian, Niko (Misha Meskhi).  Ivo rescues them and tends to them in his house.

Ahmed swears that as soon as he is better he is going to kill Niko, but out of respect for Ivo, says he won't do it under Ivo's roof.

An uneasy alliance develops between the two.  When they do finally get the opportunity to kill each other, the story takes an unexpected turn.

It's a familiar story showing what can happen when opposing forces can sit down together as humans.  Take politics out of the equation and we are all the same.  When we can see inside the everyday lives of each other, our humanity comes out.

This film was  nominated for an Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film in 2014.  It's a quiet film directed by Zaza Urushadze that is all about Ivo and his humanity.

Rosy the Reviewer says...a familiar story told in a touching, unfamiliar way.

(In Estonian and Russian with English subtitles)





Serena (2013)

George Pemberton (Bradley Cooper) has a thriving timber business but his life becomes complicated when he meets Serena (Jennifer Lawrence).

It's 1929 and George has a thriving timber empire in South Carolina.  He goes to Denver and meets upper-class Serena.  They fall in love fast and hard.  They get married and George brings Serena back to his lumberyard in the country.

Serena's father was also a timber man so Serena wants to be involved in George's business. She can give and take as good as any man.  However, George's cronies are not happy about that.  At the same time, there is talk about turning the Smokey Mountains into a National Park, which would definitely hurt George's timber interests.

The sheriff (Toby Jones) is trying to get Pemberton's land for the national park.  He offers him $400,000.  Pemberton wants a mil.  Buchanan (David Dencik), George's friend, is secretly brokering the deal for the sheriff and Serena is suspicious and tells George he "needs to do something."  She plants the seed that Buchanan needs to have an "accident."

When Serena discovers she can never have children she becomes obsessed with a child one of the mountain girls had with George.  The out of wedlock baby is a constant reminder to her of her inability to bear a child and when she finds that George has kept a picture of the baby, she loses it.  Serena is a jealous cow and George starts to get the picture.

Galloway (Rhys Ifans), a strange, quiet loner becomes Serena's henchman his blind mother prophesized that a woman would save him, so when Serena does in fact save him he feels he must pay her back.  Serena goads him into killing the child.

Where did this movie come from?  Jennifer Lawrence AND Bradley Cooper.  How did this movie slip everyone's notice?

This is Jennifer Lawrence as you've never seen her.  She and Cooper supposedly had a "thing" during the making of this movie and their chemistry is palpable.

Directed by Susanne Bier and based on the book by the same name by Ron Rash, it's very much like the Gene Tierney film, "Leave Her To Heaven," featuring an obsessive psycho woman who doesn't want to share her man with anyone, not even a child.  There are some plot twists you can see coming a mile away.  It's a predictable psycho girlfriend drama, but it's enjoyable because of the star power chemistry between Cooper and Lawrence.

Rosy the Reviewer says...a bit of a Lifetime Movie feel to this one, but it's still an engrossing story starring two of our biggest stars.  If you like Southern Gothic, you will like this.

***My 1001 Movies I Must See Before I Die Project***

296 to go!

Make Way For Tomorrow (1937)

When an elderly couple lose their house and neither of their five children can take both of them in, they are forced to separate.

Lucy (Beulah Bondi) and Bark Cooper (Victor Moore) have five adult children but when they lose their home, none of the children step up to house the both of them.  Each goes to a different child's home 300 miles apart, forcing them to separate for the first time in 50 years of marriage. This is the 1930's when a long distance phone call was a big deal and very expensive.

It becomes apparent right away that both parents are an annoyance to their children and are in their way, disrupting their lives.  The children are condescending toward the parents.  Bark seeks friendship with a local shop owner to whom he confides: "I sometimes thin children should never get beyond the age that you tuck them in every night." The separation is supposed to be only for three months, but when the child who was going to take both of them renigs, they are forced to separate seemingly for good:  Bark to California and Lucy to a nursing home.

The message seems to be and acceptance that though parents like to think that their children love them, like them and will feel gratitude for all that was done for them, in the end, the generation gap is such that there is no understanding or even patience from the young toward their parents when they age.

This same theme and storyline was adopted to great affect in the recent John Lithgow-Joseph Molina film "Love is Strange," which I reviewed back in January and the classic Japanese film "Tokyo Story" also tackles this issue.

Why it's a Must See: "In this one-of-a-kind masterpiece by one of the greatest American directors...Leo McCarey's direction...is beyond praise.  All of the actors are expansive and natural, and the generosity McCarey shows toward his characters is unstinting...There is nothing contrived about McCarey's handling of the story, and thus no escaping its poignancy."
---"1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die"

McCarey directed many classic films:  "Going My Way," "Duck Soup" and "An Affair to Remember," to name a few, but this was McCarey's favorite film. When McCarey won an Oscar for his film "The Awful Truth," he told the Academy they had given him the award for the wrong film.

The film begins with a quote on the screen: "Honor thy father and mother," but if the title ironically implies that when we get old we need to be carted off to a nursing home to "make way" for the younger generation, then just shoot me now!

Rosy the Reviewer says...a classic film that still resonates today.  A must-see for adult children and their parents.

***Book of the Week***

Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why It Often Sucks in the City, or Who Are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me? by Jen Lancaster (2007)

What it's really like to be young and living in the big city.  "Sex and the City" it's NOT!

Of course, this is Chicago we are talking about here, not the Big Apple, but Lancaster is the author of "Bitter is the New Black."  Anyone who writes a book with a title like that, I'm there!

Here she disabuses the reader of a Carrie Bradshaw life in the Big City.  Manola Blahniks?  Not likely.  Lobster and champagne for breakfast?  What a laugh!  It's more like shopping at "The Holy Trinity (Target, Ikea and Trader Joe's)," rude neighbors, unemployment and Lucky Charms for breakfast.

The one drawback is that this is a pop culture book that is eight years old.  Might as well be a 1000 years as far as TV and the Internet go, but some things have no timeline:  feeling fat, going to the ob/gyn (which we ladies all know is no fun), working as a temp, watching too much TV when we know we should be working and the fear that we are really shallow human beings (thinking that while watching really bad reality TV like "Bachelor in Paradise*" and telling your Hubby to pipe down).

Rosy the Reviewer says...it's a self-deprecating, sometimes hilarious and bitchy satiric look at how unglamorous city life can be.  If you like snarky pop culture essays from a Millennial, you will like this.

*I updated the reference because you probably wouldn't remember the ones she mentioned: "Temptation Island" and "Paradise Hotel."  I am now going to go into the bathroom and talk to myself in the mirror for being shallow.

  

Thanks for Reading!

That's it for this week.

See you Tuesday for

"What I Have Learned from Magazines"

If you enjoyed this post, feel free to click on the share buttons to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and LinkedIn, 
email it to your friends and
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Check your local library for DVDs and books mentioned.

Note:  Next time you are wondering whether or not to watch a particular film, check out my reviews on IMDB (The International Movie Database). 

Find the page for the movie, click on "Explore More" on the right side panel and then scroll down to "External Reviews."  Look for "Rosy the Reviewer" on the list. Or if you are using a mobile device, look for "Critics Reviews." Click on that and you will find me alphabetically under "Rosy the Reviewer."

Why Have A Dog?

While I am on a roll with my "Why Have a...? series: "Why Have a Husband?," "Why Have a Wife?," and my most recent post, "Why Have a Child?, I thought a natural progression would be...Why Have a Dog?  Because when your husband or wife and child leave you, your loyal, loving dog will still be there.

Here are the pros to having a dog:

• They are good drinking and TV watching companions

 

• They are fun to dress up

(My dogs have starred in several  of my blog posts: My popular take on the Dicken's classic, "A Christmas Carol," "My Life Story, by Mildred Pierce (The Dog, Not the Movie)" and my classic, "How Well Do You Know The Classics?")

Here are two of my favorites from that last one.  See if you can guess the books:

 

(Here's a hint:  "NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!)

 

 

Here's a hint:  "Cuckoo" is in the title.

• They are fun to tease

 

(Don't you wish you could have this hot dog? Well, you can't)

• They are fun to hug

• They can be a deterrent to burglars

• They can provide needed exercise for you

 

• It's fun to watch their antics

 

 

 

 

(What is he doing to her?)

• Staring into their eyes, you see their unconditional love

So are there any cons to having a dog?

• If you drink with your dog, you run the risk of his developing a drinking problem.

• Dogs can be a deterrent to burglars but if they believe that EVERYONE coming to the front door, INCLUDING YOU, is a burglar, big problem.

 

• Every time you put your shoes on, they think it's a walk

• It's like having a toddler in the house forever. 

A dog's brain is supposed to be akin to a two-year old's.  Now think back on what it was like to have a two-year-old in the house.  You used the word "No!" a lot.  Toilet-training was a big issue (and for some dogs a lifelong one).  Two-year-olds don't have much respect for your property.  You can't go away and leave them for days at a time.

• Most dogs shed

Except poodles which is why poodles are the best dogs.

• They get up on the furniture

• They can be expensive

We have already told our dogs that if they need any medical procedures that cost over $1000, it's sayonara.


But for my money, the pros of having a dog in my life far outweigh the cons.

I have had dogs all of my life and if you would like to meet them all, check out my blog post "To All The Dogs I've Loved Before."


As I said then and still believe now, dogs have been a comfort in times of grief, fulfilled a desire to love and take care of someone, and they are a great source of amusement.  I have also learned from them.


But as I contemplate what a dog is good for, it didn't occur to me that my dogs might have an opinion about ME!


Hubby recently told me about an article that talked about things dogs hate.  Uh...

• They don't like to be teased

• They don't like to play dress up

• They don't like to be hugged

• They don't like you to stare into their eyes

Oops.


Before I go, I think we should examine the issue of why have more than one dog.

One dog is wonderful, but then you might worry that little Fido will be lonely when you are away, so you think two dogs would be great.  And you are probably right.

But three dogs?  No!

One dog is a companion to you, two dogs are companions to each other, three dogs are...A PACK OF DOGS!

 

This is what it's like every single morning when I come down the stairs.

They literally "hound" me for a treat! 

So there you have it.  The joys of dog ownership. 

Oh, I forgot.  It's not PC to say you OWN your dog.  You are a dog guardian.  So it should be dog guardianship. Remember that.

Stay tuned for the next addition to the "Why Have a....?" series: 

Why Have a Cat?

On second thought, forget it. 

I can't think of any reasons to have a cat.

 

See you Friday

for my review of Woody Allen's

 

new movie 

 

"Irrational Man" 

and

 

The Week in Reviews

 

(What to See or Read and What to Avoid)

and the latest on

My 1001 Movies I Must See Before

 I Die Project."

 

If you enjoyed this post, feel free to click on the share buttons to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and LinkedIn, email it to your friends and LIKE me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/rosythereviewer