The Stresses of Being Retired

I haven't written about retirement for awhile, but since it is a state I am constantly in, it can't help but raise its little head from time to time on this blog.  So here it is again.

It's been almost three years now since I shut my office door for the last time, and I've been feeling a bit down, a bit at loose ends lately, a bit stressed, so I thought I would go back and take a look at some of the blog posts I wrote earlier in my retirement.

I had written about the things I was worried about when I retired: 

"Retirement: Do Dogs Ever Retire?" (this one is DEEP).

and "Retirement: Is the Honeymoon Over?"  This last one was written only a couple of months after I retired!  Read it and you will see why I used an exclamation point here!  And then again. 

But then six months after I retired, things were looking up when I wrote "My Retirement Journey - Six Months Later." 

That one ended with

"This IS my life now." 

And like starting one's own business, it is up to me for good or ill to make it successful.   

So now I have that list of things I want to pursue that I can add to my days at any time. 

Six months from now my routine might look very different.  My purpose changed.

But, you know what?  If it doesn't, I am not going to stress about it.  I am enjoying this time with myself."

 

Ah, the innocence of the newly retired.
 

Because three years in, I AM stressing about it.
 
When those who are not yet retired think of retirement, they are probably mostly thinking about whether or not they can afford it.  And they might think about what they will do when they have "all of the time in the world."  What they probably don't think about is STRESS.

Yes, that's right, S-T-R-E-S-S.

 
I have discovered that it is stressful to "have all of the time in the world."

I tell Hubby from time to time that "it's my day off" and he laughs saying "Every day is a day off for you (Hubby has not yet made the leap)."  But what he doesn't realize is that I see "Retirement" as my new job and I want to succeed at it. It takes work to retire successfully.  And as with all jobs, it has its stresses, and I need one day a week when I don't have to feel I need to have plans.

There is not much understanding out there in the world about retired people who are often perceived as being on a constant vacation.  I think we are also unfairly perceived as people who have bowed out of the mainstream.
 
And yet those of us who were successful in our jobs, go-getters, career-oriented, accomplished, whatever we thought about ourselves then, we don't stop striving and wanting to be successful and accomplished just because we have left our jobs.  Retirement is its own kind of career where we want to succeed and make a difference but it comes with its own stresses.


Here are some retirement stresses I am dealing with:
 

• It's very stressful to try to get out of the house by noon.

I know.  Laugh if you want to but there are morning people and not morning people.  I fall into the not morning people category.  Sleeping in as long as I want in the morning is one thing I DON'T need to stress about.  So I try very hard to not schedule anything for myself before noon because when you figure that I sleep until at least 9am and then have to make the bed, read the paper, empty the dishwasher, clean up Hubby's breakfast mess (he gets up WAY before I do), watch "The View," get dressed, fix hair, make-up, all of which takes loads more time now that I am old - by then the morning is over. 

Even without all of that stuff, there is always some household or mental distraction that keeps me from getting out the door any earlier.  It would just be too, too stressful to be anywhere earlier than that.  However, I do have some volunteer obligations that require that I leave the house before 10 so you can imagine how stressful those days are.
 

• It's stressful to see the pile of books I have accumulated that I thought I was going to read when I retired.

 

• It's stressful to go to the gym and get weighed by my trainer after two grande lattes (I know what you are thinking. If I would get up earlier and get to the gym before I had those lattes, I would weigh less...not an option).

 

 

• It's stressful when someone asks "What did you do all day" and my reply is "Uh..."

• It's stressful to try to get everything I'm not doing done to make the 4pm deadline for Happy Hour with Hubby with a smile on my face

 
• It's stressful to keep to my blog schedule when I don't have anything to write about.

• It's stressful to have to schedule time to de-stress with meditation.

 

• It's stressful to go mall walking and see something I want to buy that I don't need, buy it and then try to cram it into my closets that are already full of stuff I don't need.

•  It's stressful to say no to someone when they want me to do something for them and they know I have "all of the time in the world" but I don't want to do it.

 

• It's stressful to get to the end of the day and realize I am still wearing my nightgown.

 

• It's stressful to lie in bed at night thinking about the day and not remembering anything meaningful that I did except maybe check Facebook and eat a protein bar.

 

• It's stressful to know that I have a "to do" list that grows longer each day.

 
What I have realized is that I was less stressed when I was stressed.
 
When I was working, it was stressful, but I knew that I needed to get up each day at a certain time, be at work at a certain time, accomplish certain tasks, manage my library in an efficient way, help staff, solve problems and work with the public to try to make a difference in their lives as librarians do. Juggling a job and a family could be stressful but there was comfort in knowing what was expected of me.
 
Now there are no expectations but my own. I am my own boss and I have discovered I am a tough taskmaster. As I sink into retirement inertia, "my boss" is causing me stress and making me depressed saying things like "Get up off your butt.  You don't need to watch another episode of "Dr. Phil" or "Why are you wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday?" or "What meaningful thing did you accomplish today?"
 
So what to do?

Tell myself to get off my case.
 
I realize that like most things in life, retirement will have its own unique ups and downs and this is a temporary shift in my retirement life. When I first retired I was gung-ho and with lists in hand was going to solve the problems of the world, well, at least do some volunteering, take horseback riding lessons and learn to play golf. The volunteer work materialized but not those other two. 

Right now I am in a bit of a lazy period with a dash of "I don't know what the hell to do with my life." But I also realize there will be good days and bad days.  In fact, I talked about that a couple of years ago in "Retirement: Good Days and Bad Days." I should take my own advice. But maybe, like in real life, there will be good weeks and bad weeks or good years and bad years.

I'm just in a slump.

That's just life.

And I guess I have "all of the time in the world" to figure it all out.

But in the meantime, I'm headed to the mall for some exercise and a little retail therapy...because I can.

Like the glasses?

 

 

Thanks for Reading!

 

See you Friday

 

for my review of

"Mother's Day"

 

and

 
The Week in Reviews

(What to See or Read and What to Avoid)

 and the latest on

 

"My 1001 Movies I Must See Before

 I Die Project."

 

If you enjoyed this post, feel free to click on the share buttons to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and LinkedIn, email it to your friends and LIKE me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/rosythereviewer

 
 

Retirement Brain

Have you ever been sitting in the living room at 4pm with a glass of wine watching "Ellen," and you look down and realize you are still wearing your nightgown and you haven't brushed your teeth yet today?

Have you been walking around smelling something you didn't like and realized it was you, because you have been to the gym the last couple of days but never showered?

If so, you are probably retired and "Retirement Brain" has taken over.

Do you remember that old ad about drugs, where a guy cracks an egg and as the egg boils and crackles, he says "This is your brain on drugs?"

Well, that's your brain on drugs

and this is your brain on retirement.

Kind of like that.

How do you know you have "Retirement Brain?"

• You rarely know what day it is or the date. 
• You walk into a room and immediately forget why you are there. 
• You recognize the face but the name just won't come - until about three hours later in the middle of the night. 
• Some days your hair looks so bad you can't even call it a "rat's nest," because the rat doesn't even want to hang out in there. 
• You can't imagine being anywhere before 11am or going to bed before midnight. 
• It's Tuesday and you don't realize you have been wearing the same shirt for three days until you notice a piece of pepperoni from the pizza you had for dinner on Saturday night stuck to the front.
• Sometimes you forget to put on underwear.
• You keep looking for your favorite work out clothes and discover they have been in the dryer for a week.
• You really enjoy the four-hour "Sister Wives" marathon while eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream.  You almost start on the Mint Chocolate Cookie until you realize you will need it for the "Naked and Afraid" marathon.
• You find yourself proudly wearing unusual outfits.

(That big fat part around the bottom of that coat is faux fur. The other fat parts are me! I look like I am wearing an upside-down English Beefeater's Bearskin hat) !

• You get great joy dressing up your dogs (but come to think of it, I have always done that)!

(This is my version of Miss Havisham from Dickens' "Great Expectations.")

• You find yourself trying to explain the finer points of Vicki's and Tamra's argument about Brooks' cancer treatment to Hubby during Happy Hour (some of you will get this one and some of you won't - consider yourself lucky if you are in the latter group)

• Your idea of a perfect day is doing nothing.

If you have nodded your head "yes" to at least five of these (or some variation of these), you are in the throes of "Retirement Brain."

 

Just what IS "Retirement Brain?"

 "Retirement Brain" is a slow-onset condition that usually kicks in about six months into retirement.  This is because the first six months of retirement you are in shock and keep getting up in the morning expecting to go to work.  You wander around the house looking for people to help and keep recommending books to your husband (I was a librarian).

But when you finally realize those days are over, "Retirement Brain" kicks in.

But my fellow retirees and those who love you, don't despair. Even though you are acting unlike yourself and your brain feels like a huge vacant airplane hangar, there is a reason for "Retirement Brain."

"Retirement Brain" kicks in to relieve your brain of all of that junk you had to put up with for the last 40 years - people complaining, people whining, problems, questions, tasks you weren't really feeling, bosses who bossed, employees who slacked, people who annoyed, worries you had about dealing with all of that. Yes, you were a competent, efficient, interesting, productive person all of those years.  So why are you suddenly staring off into space or watching YouTube videos of kittens and wondering what the hell is going on?

Don't worry.  "Retirement Brain" has a plan.  The plan is to clear all of that old stuff out, all of that stuff you didn't want to do, all of those worries you didn't want to have, so that now you can fill that vast void with what YOU want to fill it with.

It could be all sorts of things: saving the world, moving to Europe, giving a damn, getting a new job (well maybe not that), shopping excursions, meaningful volunteering, trips with your kids and grandkids, finding true meaning in your life.

  

The point is that "Retirement Brain," though it seems to disconnect you from the "real world," is actually connecting you to YOUR real world, the real world of what you really, really want to put your mind to NOW. The Real You.  It could be getting caught up with all of those TV dramas you missed over the years.  It could be finding the perfect restaurant. It could be reading the classics. It could be losing 50 pounds or it could be eating whatever the hell you want.  And it could just be finding yourself for the first time and really, really enjoying life.

That's the point. "Retirement Brain" is now allowing you to be your true self...before it's too late.

You might have spent your working years doing something you enjoyed.  Good for you.  Most of us can find something positive and rewarding in what we did or we wouldn't have done it.  But that's not the point.  Most of us, whether we enjoyed it or not, HAD to do what we did.

But now "Retirement Brain" is telling you that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do anymore.  So if you don't want to remember what day it is or you forget to brush your teeth, so what?  Your old brain has left the building and "Retirement Brain" has taken over and "Retirement Brain" says, let it all hang out!

That might be uncomfortable for some.

Don't despair.  "Retirement Brain" knows what it's doing.

If you have been working since you were 15, then it will probably take you about 15 months to actually enjoy retirement.  "Retirement Brain" is there to allow you some relief from feeling guilty about not making money anymore or having a real job or forgetting to shower.  Soon, "Retirement Brain" will clear out the cobwebs and will start a new mind set that will give you joy (See "The Joy of Retirement") and a new, meaningful outlook on life.

You have another 20 years (at least) to live your true life.  Do not fear "Retirement Brain."

"Retirement Brain" wants you to be happy.

And "New-You Brain" is on its way!

Thanks for Reading!

See you Friday

for my review of the new movie 

"Beasts of No Nation" 

and

The Week in Reviews

(What to See or Read and What to Avoid)

and the latest on

My 1001 Movies I Must See Before

 I Die Project."

  

If you enjoyed this post, feel free to click on the share buttons to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and LinkedIn, email it to your friends and LIKE me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/rosythereviewer

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Getting Old: A Retired Baby Boomer Reflects on Aging

We all get old.

Even us forever young Baby Boomers.

As I reflect on aging (and that's what old people do, we reflect), I am inspired by this Clint Eastwood "spaghetti western."

Is there anything good about getting old?

What's bad about it?

Worse, what's ugly about it?

 

Even Clint got old, though he is not a Baby Boomer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But he is still a great filmmaker as his new movie "Jersey Boys" will attest (see my review in my post "Kevin Costner Sports Movies and The Week in Reviews"), so that's good.

 

But now he's cranky...and that's bad.

 

 

And did you see that mess at the Republican Convention?

That was ugly.

I am not commenting on his politics. I am embarrassed for his showing his age by being so unaware of how bumbling he appears.


There really are some good things about aging and definitely some bad and ugly things about it.


Let's discuss.


The Good

I asked Hubby what was good about getting old.  He said perspective. 

Perspective means we now have the power to see how our lives fit in.

Then I asked him if he would give up perspective for a 32" waist again.  He didn't answer.

If you were to ask me that question, my first answer would be "nothing." 

But then once I start thinking about it, I can come up with some things.

Senior discounts. 
If I can remember to go to the movies on Tuesday, it's only $6.00.  Likewise, if I rode the bus, my senior discount would also kick in, but, please lord, don't make me ride the bus.

Social Security.
I get paid for doing nothing though I worked my ass off for 50+ years to get an amount of money that no one could live on.  Thank goodness I had the foresight (well, actually it was dumb luck) to work in public service so I also have a pension that also pays me for doing nothing.

Retirement.
If you have the means to do so, being able to retire from an 8-5 job to doing what you enjoy is a good thing.  Now my new job is watching movies and talking to you!

Wisdom.
You know some stuff.

Adventures.
You have an endless array of stories and adventures to bore, I mean, share with your friends.

Worries.
You don't have to worry anymore about how your life is going to turn out.  You already know.

And you ladies will enjoy this one.
No more visits from Aunt Flo!





The Bad

Retirement.
It's a bad thing if you don't have the means to do so or are forced to retire when you don't want to.  Some people are married to their jobs, define themselves by their jobs and won't know what to do with themselves when given freedom.  That's too bad.

Wrinkles.
There are those who think of wrinkles as something they have earned and they wear them proudly.  I am not one of those people.

Weight Gain.
For some of us, it is inevitable, especially if we are in the "saving our face" camp instead of the "saving our butts" camp.  (See my post "How Not to Look Old" for more enlightenment on that topic)

Aches and Pains.
Ouch.

Forgetfulness.
What?

You are Invisible.
I started noticing this when I hit the dark side of 40.  Wolf whistles (not that I approve) and compliments were replaced with...nothing.  I no longer existed.

Being called Ma'am.
On those few occasions when I wasn't invisible, being called Ma'am was just as bad. This may seem like a small thing, but we Baby Boomers don't like that sort of thing.


The Ugly

Bette Davis got it right when she said, "Aging isn't for sissies."

Bette knew what she was talking about.  She didn't age well.

 

Yes, there is the physical ugly we have to deal with as we age.

But there is ugly and then there is UGLY.

Yes, Bette didn't age well, but to her credit, she didn't try to stave it off with tons of plastic surgery like so many big-lipped actresses have done who now have 23-year-old faces with 65 year old necks.

But apart from the physical ugly, there is the emotional ugly of getting old.

The really ugly thing is what happened to her relationship with her daughter.

She had to live with the fact that she had an ungrateful daughter who wrote a "Mommy Dearest" book about her. 

That's pretty ugly.

I read the book and from what I can gather, Bette wasn't a bad mother who inflicted the kind of mistreatment on her daughter that Joan Crawford did on her daughter.  She in fact was a doting mother who supported both her daughter and her husband financially. It comes off as a daughter who married a guy who was a born again Christian and didn't approve of her mother while at the same time taking her money. Her daughter then denounced her mother for just about everything and made money off of her by writing a cruel book.

But then Bette let her daughter marry this 20+ guy when her daughter was only 16, so go figure. 

That's another ugly thing about getting old.  We have to live with our mistakes.  

 

It's interesting that she and Joan Crawford were contemporaries who aged at the same time  and even starred in horror films in their later years.  Remember "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?"

 

 

 

Both of their daughters felt the need to castigate them in public.  Joan might have been a "Mommy Dearest," but I didn't get that from the book about Bette.  What I got was an ungrateful daughter whose husband didn't approve of her mother.

 

What did Shakespeare say in King Lear about an ungrateful child?

 

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is
To have a thankless child!"

 

That's pretty ugly.

 

In old age, family troubles are ugly.

 

Another thing that can be an ugly part of getting old is regret.

 

I don't trust people who say they have no regrets about how they have lived their lives.  That seems to be the height of arrogance.

 

Yes, it does no good to dwell on the past, but it certainly helps to have regrets, so that you don't repeat the bad stuff you did in your past or miss the opportunities you passed over the first time.

 

I have three main regrets and they probably are not what you would think. 

 

I mean, I could regret getting married young and missing my chance to live in Europe during my junior year of college.  Gee, now that I think of that, I do really regret that.

 

I could regret following that marriage with a few more, but then if those hadn't happened, I wouldn't have met Hubby or had my children.

 

No, these are my three main regrets.

 

I regret not flying to Sweden when my son had an eye injury.

 

I regret not going to help our daughter through an emotional emergency and sending Hubby instead.

 

(In those days, I had an irrational fear of not just flying, but of doing things alone).

 

But my biggest regret, and it should have been the easiest thing to do, was not getting in bed with my mother the night before we had to admit her to a nursing home after she suffered a stroke that brought on dementia.

 

My sister and I were at her house making arrangements, and I couldn't sleep.  I was sleeping in the basement and then went upstairs to try to sleep on the couch, then back to the basement.  It went like that all night, me wandering around, upset by my mother's condition, and wanting to slip into bed next to her and tell her I loved her.

 

But I couldn't do it.

 

I'm not sure why.

 

Maybe I was reacting to the fact that our family wasn't particularly cuddly.

 

Maybe I was afraid she wouldn't realize who I was and I would scare her.

 

Maybe I was afraid she would reject me.

 

The bottom line was - I was afraid and I missed that last, quiet opportunity to say my goodbyes to my mother because she was never the same after that.

 

As I've gotten older, the fears have dissipated but the regrets remain.

 

Regrets are an ugly part of getting old, but a natural part.

 

So there you have it.

 

Getting old has some perks.  Getting old is crap.  Getting old can be ugly.

 

But despite the wrinkles, the fat, the mistakes, the regrets, getting old also means you are still here. 

 

Because what is the alternative to NOT getting old?

 

Right.

 

What do you think is good, bad or ugly about getting old?

 

Discuss!

 

 

See you Friday

For

"Celebrate What's Fabulous

and The Week in Reviews"

 

 

 

Thanks for reading!

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