Parenting and Grandparenting From A Distance and The Week in Reviews

 

[I review the movies "Celeste and Jesse Forever," "Small Town Murder Songs," "Starbuck," "Ginger and Rosa" and extol the virtues of stair walking and meditation.]

But first


Parenting and Grandparenting from a Distance
 

Then

 

Now

OK, OK, I know I am being overly dramatic here.

But I sometimes sit with my little wine-guzzling poodle and wonder how my life veered so hugely from how I was brought up and what my expectations were.

I grew up a block from my grandparents - my Dad's parents.  They were a big part of my childhood - holiday celebrations, Sunday dinners.  They had a TV before we did, so I remember going over there on Friday nights to watch the Friday Night Fights (boring) and Ed Sullivan.  As a teen, I was expected to read the newspaper to my grandmother every afternoon after school and take her for walks. She was blind.  As my grandparents aged, my Dad, who was an only child, would stop by their house on his way home from work to fix their dinner. So I lived near my grandparents until I went off to college, and my grandparents lived in their own home until their deaths at 89 and 92.

But my generation was a different generation, and it was not unusual for young people to move away from their families.

I know it was very difficult for my mother when I not only went to college and rarely came home, but on the day I graduated, I announced I was moving to California, thousands of miles from my home in Michigan.  She must have been crushed, but she never said anything, never complained.  I should have learned from her example.  But I didn't.

As I look at this picture of her helping me get my room ready on my first day at college, I can relate to what she must have been feeling. 

Despite the fact that we raise our children to be independent, happy and successful, it doesn't often occur to us as they grow up that they might live their independent, happy and successful lives far away from us.

If I might brag a bit here, my son is a successful attorney, happily married with two lovely little boys.  My daughter is a Stanford graduate embarking on a new career in Information Science and happily married to a professor. 

So what's the problem?

My son is 900 miles away and my daughter is 3000 miles away.

So while I am happy that my children are happy and successful, what my mother and I both didn't bargain for was that we wouldn't be a part of that happiness and success.

It's a cruel irony that we raise interesting, kind and responsible children and just when they get old enough to participate in adult activities and carry on interesting conversations with us, they move away!

I know I am not alone in this.  This is probably more the norm for parents and grandparents than not these days. 

So how do we remain in our adult children's and grandchildren's lives when they live far away? 

How do we create those shared histories and memories, so crucial for maintaining close relationships?

When our children were living at home, we participated in our children's activities and had family nights and trips.  My husband and I both came home after work and spent most of our free time with the kids. 

When they went off to college, I decided not to be a "helicopter parent," calling them all of the time and bothering them.  I wanted them to find their own way, thinking they would call me when needed.  But what I really wanted was to talk to them every day.  When I did call them, our conversations would be terse or they wouldn't pick up at all. That would hurt, so I resolved that I would wait until they called me, thinking if they called me, then they would have set aside the time and we would have nice conversations.  Not necessarily so.  I have always been envious of parents whose children say, "My Mom is my best friend.  I can't imagine not talking to her everyday."  That didn't happen for me.

There was a disconnect between what my expectation of the mother-child relationship should be and the reality. 

We sold our house and left California for Washington State when our daughter was a sophomore right before the housing bubble burst.  That was a good thing, but what we didn't anticipate was the difficulty for people of a certain age to start over somewhere new not knowing anyone there.  However, our daughter really liked the Seattle area so I was fairly certain that she would join us after college.  However, through a series of events, she stayed in California and eventually met a fellow there who was visiting from Atlanta.  She married him and off they went.

Our son was ensconced in his life in California and as he frequently reminds me, he only lives an hour and a half from his childhood home.  WE are the ones who left.
 
So that's how it happens.  One story out of many, I am sure. 

So as the reality of the "empty nest" set in, I began overcompensating for the distance by oversharing all of the angst I felt about how difficult it was adjusting to this new life, new job, not knowing anyone, etc.  My rationale was if I did this, my children would continue to get to know me and we would stay close that way.  Not  recommended.

 So what do you do?

Well, don't do what I did. 

Here is what I have learned.

First of all, when your children leave for college, call them as much as you would like to.   

It doesn't do any good to pretend to feel something you don't. Just know they have issues of  their own as they adjust to their new lives, so don't get your feelings hurt if they don't pick up or return your calls or have monosyllabic conversations with you.  At least you are making the  effort to show your love and that will resonate with them later.  I think in the end, my not  calling made them think I didn't care.

Don't overshare.
Yes, you might be feeling sad or having difficulties with your own life, but they have their own problems. Worrying about their parents shouldn't be one of them.

Get your own life.    
As I look back, I see that yes, I had a career, but once my children came, I saw my main role as mothering.  I have had to reconcile myself to the fact that this role is now behind me. Your adult children no longer need mothering, so it's time to take stock and redefine your role.  Then when you are in touch, you have something interesting to share with them.  We are all friends on Facebook and I send them my blog, so we can keep up with each other online in between phone calls.

Be a friend.
Your adult child doesn't need a mother, but everyone needs a friend.  And your children should be given the same respect and deference you would give your friends.  Infantilizing your adult children will only make them not want to be around you.  Be a good listener.

Avoid guilt trips.
There are other parents involved when your children marry and those parents also want time with your children and their spouses.  Holidays can be particularly difficult.  In our situation, the "kids" have rotated every Christmas with each family.  The first Christmas we were alone was very difficult...it would have been very easy to call them and say "This cannot happen again."  But we went to Paris instead (something I would actually not recommend...I mean, Paris at Christmas, which was a zoo, not the going away part.  I think Buenos Aires would  have been better).  If this happens to you, get away from what makes you sad and do something that will make you happy and look forward to next year.

Create an environment your kids will want to return to.          
When your adult children and their families do come to visit, it creates a somewhat unnatural balance.  If we all lived in the same town, we could get together when we wanted to and enjoy each other's company as long as we wanted and then return to our respective homes when we got tired of each other.  When families come together from long distances, they usually stay for awhile in your home and that can create pressure to spend all of that time together, knowing that everyone will soon part. Also it's sometimes close quarters. So treat your family members with the same respect you would show your guests, giving them space to be alone if they want and looking after their individual needs.  Plan fun events and a comfortable, fun environment.  The last time our daughter and her husband visited, I made up a list of "adventures" we could tackle  - they could choose which one.  They chose kayaking and  it just about killed me!  But our adventure was a funny story we could all share.

Try to plan the next time you will see your children again.
If you can manage it, check in with your adult children and try to find a time in the not too distant future when you all can get together again.  It might be around an event like a major birthday or some fun activity they might like. When my husband turned 60, we all gathered at a condo in Lake Tahoe to celebrate.  But keep in mind, if your adult children have their own children, it is probably easier for you to travel than for them.  To know when you will see them again makes it easier.

Share family stories and pictures.

They may not care now, but they will later in life. I wish I had asked my mother and dad more questions.

And what about the grandchildren?

We grandparents who must do our grandparenting from a distance fear being strangers to our grandchildren. 

 How do we transcend the miles?

Skype is a godsend. 
When they are infants, you can see them and they can hear your voice. As your grandchildren get older, you could read stories or make up silly stories and use props or teach them some songs.

Keep current on your grandchildren's interests.
My oldest little grandson is obsessed  with the movie "Cars," and already anticipating "Planes," so I come prepared to watch "Cars" with him and to bring him toys of those characters, or whatever is his latest obsession.

Write letters and cards to them.
Corresponding by letter is almost dead these days, but it is a still  a wonderful way to interact with your grandchildren.  When we were in London recently, I sent my 2-year-old grandson a postcard with a double decker bus on it, because I knew he loved buses and trucks.  I said, "This is how people ride around in London.  Glammy and Papi (yes, I'm Glammy) rode on one of these and thought of you.  Maybe you can ask Daddy to show you where London is on a map so you can see where we are."  As your grandchild gets older, you can send longer messages and letters.

Unexpected gifts
Don't wait until birthdays or the holidays to send little thoughtful or fun gifts. Sending something for no reason would be a happy treat for your grandchildren and remind them of you.

I can't say that I have heeded my own advice at all times and, in fact, as you can see, I have made some pretty bad mistakes.  I have had to change my expectations.

I am certainly still a work in progress, especially now that I have recently retired, which is a whole new world unto itself. But I am committed to continuing to define my role in my adult children's lives and to be an active grandmother - one step at a time, no matter the distance.  Now I need to go.  I hear a little poodle getting into the wine again!

How did you handle your empty nest?

How have you handled being a grandparent from a distance?  Any cool tips?

*******

 

Rosy the Reviewer's Week in Review

 

Films

 

I have four little gems for you this week, ones you might have missed.

 

"Celeste and Jesse Forever"

Rashida Jones and Adam Samberg play a divorced couple who try to stay friends.  A really sweet romcom about two very likable people who just aren't meant to be...and that's OK.  Rashida Jones was co-writer of the screenplay.  Did you know that Rashida Jones is the daughter of Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton of "Mod Squad" fame?

Rosy the Reviewer says...sweet and a different twist on the "soul mate" issue.

 

"Small Town Murder Songs"

 

An almost unrecognizable Peter Stormare (remember the woodchipper guy in Fargo?) plays a  tormented cop in a Canadian Mennonite community who must come to grips with his violent past.  It's a mere 75 minutes long, but it gets a lot done. 

 

Rosy the Reviewer says...Slow moving and gripping at the same time. Reminiscent of "The Killing."

 

 

 

"Starbuck"

This is not about the coffee chain, but about a loser of a fellow who made money donating to a sperm bank only to find out later he had fathered 500+ children and 142 of them want to meet him!  A very funny and entertaining French-Canadian film (subtitles).

 

Rosy the Reviewer says...lots of adult fun!

 

 

"Ginger and Rosa"

 

 

Sally Potter is the female Woody Allen.  She writes, directs and gets famous actors to play small parts in her small films (Oliver Platt, Christina Hendricks and Annette Bening in this one).  One of my fav films is her "The Tango Lesson," which she also starred in.  This one follows two inseparable friends in 1960's London in the shadow of the Cuban Missile Crisis and what they get up to.  Baby Boomers can relate to the practice of ironing one's hair to get it super straight and sitting in a bathtub to shrink your Levis so they fit perfectly, or I can anyway.   Potter's stories unfold in the slice of life realm, but they are affecting.  I think she is very underrated.

 

Rosy the Reviewer says...Potter needs a larger audience.

 

 

Food

Nothing to report this week. I'm trying not to eat.  Have to start somewhere.

Rosy the Reviewer says...Food...why does it have to be so hard?

 

Fashion

According to "Lucky Magazine," pointy-toed shoes are back for fall as are over-the-knee boots and the kick flare skirt.  The color palettes are black and pink and zebra stripe and green (has zebra stripe replaced leopard as the new black?).  

 After having gone through three closets this last week of clothes I will never wear again, including pointy-toed shoes, over-the-knee boots and kick flare skirts, my obsession with fashion is starting to seem out of fashion.  Well, I might still wear the over-the-knee boots.

 

Fun


Stairway Walks

 

 

Completed another Seattle stair walk.  This is one of my absolute most fun ways to get exercise - urban walks that combine nature and neighborhoods.  It's a great way to get to know your town or City better. We did 5 miles in about 2 hours followed by some champs.  There always must be reward!

 

 

Meditation

 

I don't know if you would call this fun exactly, but I have started Oprah's 21-Day Meditation Challenge.  You can sign up, too, if you are so inclined.  I am looking forward to the miraculous relationships it promises!  :)

 

https://chopracentermeditation.com/home

 

I am doing that along with my 10-day Headspace course, so I am getting there.  I can now do 10 minutes with no problem and did an extra 10 today starting the Oprah Challenge.  Can't tell if it's working yet.  I still scream at the dogs when they bark their heads off when the FedEx truck drives by while I am trying to meditate.  Seems counter productive somehow!  OM....

 

 

So that's it.  Week five in this new world of retirement. 

How did your week go?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Retirement: Do Dogs Ever Retire?

Did you ever wonder...

Do Dogs Ever Retire?

As I approach the fourth week of my retirement and adjust to all of the many changes, it occurs to me that our dogs have probably been affected by my retirement as well. 

I started to ponder whether or not Frederic, Mildred and Tarquin are also settling into retirement. 

And are they affected by the pitfalls of retirement that I am also grappling with? -  loss of identity, loss of structure, loss of purpose, depression, boredom, possible lack of personal interaction and knowing the difference between leisure and goofing off?  Frederic is certainly eligible.  In dog years, he would be 70, and the other two, both in their 30's (in dog years) should certainly be doing  their planning for retirement.

So let's start with loss of identity. 

This is often a problem for people who strongly identify with their jobs.  When someone would ask me what I did, I could easily say, " I am a librarian."  Now if someone asks me "What do you do? - what do I say?  This forces us retirees to contemplate the question, "Who am I?"

Just as I must cope with my own identity issues after having been a librarian for 40 years, likewise the dogs have their own identity issues.

If you were fans of my old library blog, you may remember Mildred's stellar performance as Hester Prynne in "The Scarlet Librarian." 

or her portrayal of The Ghost of Christmas Future in "A Christmas Carol." 

Her pointing her paw toward Scrooge's doomed future, if he didn't change his ways, was described by critics as "chilling." 


Or what about Tarquin's wonderful portrayal of Liberace in the remake of "Behind the Candelabra," which critics said rivaled Michael Douglas.

And no one can forget his hilarious turn as the rabbit "Harvey." 

Likewise Frederic, the more serious actor of the three, won accolades for his version of The Phantom in "The Phantom of the Opera. "

Now that they are no longer actors for my blog, how do they describe themselves when sniffed by a dog friend and asked "What do you do?"

 

Who am I?

Loss of Structure

In retirement, we might revel at first thinking that we can now do whatever we want whenever we want.  We don't have to report at 8am, work overtime, or take orders from anyone.  But that can pose it's own problems. 

How do we structure our days so they are meaningful?

Before I retired, the dogs' days began at 7:15am, as I would stumble down the stairs (I have never been a morning person), and they would bark their bark that said, "Give us our treat!"  

While I was at work, their days consisted of guarding the house,

eating, sleeping

 and fighting over the rope bone.



At exactly 5:15pm they would take their position at the door, start barking as I approached, and the "yay, she's home treat" was handed out.

Now that I am home all of the time, they don't know what's going to happen. 

For one thing, that morning treat doesn't happen until at least 9am, unless I have an appointment. While they try to maintain their structure of guarding the home,  I might call them to the bedroom to watch "The View" or a Lifetime movie with me.  While trying to maintain nap time, on a whim, I might get out the clicker to work on some impromptu training or tricks. They are totally thrown off their routine.

 Loss of Purpose

When one has a career, especially in the community service sphere, it is not difficult to find purpose. 

Every day at the library, I knew I was making a difference - from the many new U.S. citizens who graduated from our citizenship classes to the non-English speakers getting help with their English to the students in my computer classes, whose lives were enriched by finally mastering the computer.  I answered many questions that I knew made a difference in people's lives.  I always felt that if people really understood all of the free services available at the library, they would be beating the doors down.  Now that I don't have that daily experience, I must find a new purpose to my life.

So, too, it is for the dogs. 

They are no longer needed to guard the house, because I am here.  In fact it's a pain in the neck when they bark their heads off every time the FedEx truck drives by, so they get yelled at a lot for that. 

They are now no longer needed to act excited when I come home because I am always home.

They are not needed as actors in my blog, as I have decided that it is a cheap trick to use dogs and babies to get laughs.

I am more serious than that. 

So now they need to change gears and find more meaningful activities.

Depression and Boredom

Depression is a very real problem in retirement, once the "honeymoon phase" is over. 
Yes, it's great to be able to get up when I want and do what I want when I want, when for over 40 years I worked for someone else and had to adhere to a schedule.  But once that becomes the norm, then what? 

It could result in depression and boredom, as it becomes clear, this is it. 
The days spread out endlessly ahead for as long as you have left. Alcohol and substance abuse can be a problem for people as they age. 

It's no different for dogs. 

It's already a problem in our house. 

 

Lack of  Personal Interaction

This is an issue I worry about most. 

While working, it's easy to set up dates with colleagues to have a drink after work or go out to eat.  Once you are no longer one of the gang, you are often forgotten.  It's now necessary to take action to socialize, something I didn't have to do before.  Add that to the fact that we moved to Seattle 10 years ago not knowing anyone, and there is an added barrier to a social life.  Not being a big joiner, I have had to make an effort to get out there with my fellow humans. 

For the dogs, they have hardly ever socialized with other dogs, mostly because when I was working I liked to stay home on my time off.  OK, I was just too lazy to take them out that much, because they are not very well behaved.

Frederic routinely snarls at other dogs and talks smack, which is something relatively new.  I think retirement also makes you crabby. 

Tarquin and Mildred are OK, but once when we took them all to a huge dog park in Seattle and they were off leash, they stuck by our sides at all times. They didn't interact with the other dogs at all.  So in their retirement, making an effort to socialize will also be important for the dogs.  Not sure how I will transport them to their dates.

How To Know the Difference Between Leisure and Goofing Off

And then there is the whole issue of what is meaningful leisure and what is just goofing off and wasting time?

Is this leisure or goofing off?

What about this?

 

What?  Oh, ...Mildred, Freddy and Tarquin want to weigh in.

"Retirement? We are here to say that living with this nut job, we will never get to retire. 

We could be innocently sipping a glass of wine




 or drinking out of the toilet

and Mistress Rosy gets an idea for a photo op. 

Then we have to drop everything and obey.  Geez. 

If we ever have to wear a funny hat again or dress up as a film or book character, it will be too soon! "

Frederic, Mildred and Tarquin the Reviewers say....

 

DO DOGS EVER RETIRE?  HELL, NO!"

Well, there you have it from the horse's...er...dog's mouths.

Do dogs ever retire?
 
Not really. Even for working dogs like police and service dogs, when their working years are over, they still have purpose, the most important one: loving and bringing joy to their guardians and their loved ones.

So too is it for humans.  We may be retired from our jobs, but we are not retired from life. Our most fulfilling purpose in life is giving and receiving love and bringing joy to those around us. 

If we can do that, all of the other pitfalls of retirement fall away.

How are you coping with retirement? 

And your dogs?

Rosy the Reviewer's Week in Review

Films
"I watch the bad ones so you don't have to."



Resident Evil: Retribution

This is a perfect case of putting a movie on my Netflix list after seeing the preview.  The preview made it look exciting. Instead it was a cartoon.  I rarely give up on a film, no matter how bad it is, but this...couldn't finish it.  And you shouldn't either unless you like watching video games, instead of playing them.

Rosy the Reviewer says...Unwatchable.





The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

Rosy the Reviewer says...Not going to win any awards, but a lot of fun.  Jim Carrey is always a gas.



Carol Channing, Larger than Life

Documentary about this theatre legend.  At 89, she is the same irrepressible spirit.  Particularly fun is her marriage to her childhood sweetheart after a 40+ year unhappy marriage.  They knew each other in middle school and found each other in their 80's!

Rosy the Reviewer says...she is the originator of "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" in the play version of "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes."

Here she is still singing it!

Cheshire Murders

HBO film about this true crime house invasion that resulted in the grisly deaths of a family.  Hard to watch but a serious examination of how something like this could occur and why it wasn't prevented.

Rosy the Reviewer says...it's a tough story to relive but an important one.  There is evil in the world and we need to be aware of it.



Love and Honor

 

A nice showcase for Liam Hemsworth and a fair depiction of what it was like to be a college student in the late 60's and in love with a soldier fighting in Vietnam.  I should know -- I lived it.

Rosy the Reviewer says...a notch above the usual Nicholas Sparks type fare.


Daylight

 

Rosy the Reviewer says....Very interesting little indie thriller that is all the more scary as it all plays out in the light of day.



The Pact

Three African American young men from Newark, N.J. make a pact to become doctors.  Inspiring true tale of Sampson, George and Ramick, three friends growing up in a neighborhood where many of their friends were involved in drug dealing, gangs or were in prison.  These three young men made a pact that they would help keep other in school, graduate from college and become doctors.  And this inspiring documentary tells how they overcame the odds (their high school had a 50% drop-out rate) and did it.  They are not doctors and tour the country as "The Three Doctors," giving motivational speeches.

Rosy the Reviewer says...look for it because it is worth seeing and will inspire you.


Food

Highly recommend Seattle restaurant Lola. Colleagues from work gave me a gift certificate to any Tom Douglas restaurant as my "parting gift" and we chose Lola.  Tom Douglas is one of our celebrity chefs and owns many restaurants.  He won a James Beard Award in 2012 for Best Restauranteur. In 2005 he competed on Iron Chef America and beat Chef Mirimoto.  Lola is named after his grandmother and features Mediterranean cuisine. Loved the pita bread with the various sauces, the succulent lamb, the squid and chicken kabobs and his signature "donuts" for dessert.

Rosy the Reviewer says... Even if you are retired, you should treat yourself to fine dining at least once per month and when I say fine dining, I don't mean Olive Garden or Outback Steakhouse, sorry.

Fashion

This isn't exactly fashion, but I have discovered the greatest shoes to wear for my Zumba class.  I am enjoying the Zumba class, as it's a fun way to get some exercise.  Anyway, these shoes were recommeneded by the instructor and are actually dance sneakers by Bloch, very flexible in the middle of the sole for all of those twists and turns we need to do as we samba, mambo and moonwalk all over the place.  I got mine at Amazon.

Fun

Books

Bouncing Back, Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being by Linda Graham

This is an interesting take on creating mindfulness, something I am working on developing.

Rosy the Reviewer says...mindfulness is a helpful skill to get the most out of life.  Remember, this moment right now is IT.  Try to live it.


VJ: The Unplugged Adventures of MTV's First Wave by Gavin Edwards.

Nina Blackwood, Mark Goodman, Alan Hunter, and Martha Quinn (remember them?), the original MTV VJs, give us an insider's view on what was happening backstage at MTV in its infancy.

Rosy the Reviewer says...nonfiction oral histories are a particular favorite and this one will delight the "children of the 80's."


Theatre

Pirates of Penzance

You may not know this, but I read that the top three theatre towns in all of the U.S. are New York, Chicago and Seattle, in that order. 

Seattle is rife with live theatre and this production was a perfect example of the caliber of actors and productions we are privy to.  The 5th Avenue Theatre  provides a combination of local talent and touring companies, and this show was a local production featuring local actors we have come to recognize.  And they are wonderful. Here's a little factoid:  Did you know the tune for "Hail, Hail the Gang's All Here," is from this Gilbert and Sullivan show?  Different words, but a highlight of the show.

Rosy the Reviewer says ... support the local theatre in your town.  Most towns of any size have local theatres or access to them and what a wonderful, fun way to get out and mingle with your fellow humans.  Live theatre is a kind of church - everyone comes together for a spiritual experience, and it's a great way to keep up your personal interaction in retirement.

**********

Final thoughts: Some definitions of the word "retire," are "withdraw," "retreat," "recede."  Even though we withdraw, retreat and recede from our jobs, we never want to withdraw, retreat or recede from life or our loved ones.  Read, watch movies, keep up on current events, go to the theatre, symphony and concerts, eat fine food, exercise and stay close to your families and your retirement will turn into your best years! 

The dogs concur.


So as Shakespeare's Henry the V said, "Once more onto the breach, dear friends..." the dogs and I are off for a walk on this beautiful Pacific NW day. 

See you next week.