Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Things Husbands Don't Know How To Do (Very Well)

I know I would be casting a really wide net to talk about ALL husbands, but since I have had four of them, I think I am as good a person as any to cast some kind of net to talk about what husbands don't know how to do, or at least, do very well.

You know that I am always trying to be helpful in this blog, so by shining a light on some very real marital issues, I just might save your marriage.

I have yet to have a husband who knows how to fold a pillowcase or make a bed properly.

It's strange that our mothers taught us how to do these things, but they must have figured their sons would have wives so they didn't need to learn how to do them. The few times that Hubby folds the laundry (usually when he is searching for something in the dryer that he wants to wear and I haven't had a chance to fold it yet), I find the pillowcases folded into squares.  Though I know I should be grateful that he took the time to fold the laundry, I have to say NO!  A pillowcase must be folded lengthwise in thirds (and ironed that way if I am feeling particularly domestic), and then folded over into a nice rectangle, thus looking crisp when put onto the pillow.  As for making the bed, the top sheet is placed upside down with the pattern facing the bed so that when you fold the top hem over, the pattern shows.  So now that you guys know how to do these two things, you will no longer irritate your wife.  Well, you won't irritate her about those two things at least.

Husbands don't seem to know how to give their wives gifts they really want.

I mean, c'mon, a vacuum cleaner for Valentine's Day?  I suppose I should be grateful to get anything for Valentine's Day and birthdays, but how hard is it to remember that cute shocking pink faux fur vest I mooned over at Nordstrom the other week or the broad hint about that red BMW?  When confronted about the appropriateness of a vacuum cleaner as a Valentine's Day present, Hubby said he just wanted to make MY work easier!  Thanks.

Husbands are not very good at being honest about their food issues.

Husbands like to throw the word "allergic" around.  Their mothers must have started that.  Beware of your husband saying he is allergic to a particular food.  It could be he just won't admit that he doesn't like something.  It was 20 years before I figured out that Hubby was not allergic to walnuts.  He just didn't like them.

Husbands don't seem to know how to hear very well when it doesn't suit them.

That hearing loss seems to have a pattern to it.  I seems to occur during sporting events on TV, when the baby cries, when the teenager is arguing or when Hubby's mother is criticizing you. What he IS good at is a disappearing act when such things occur.

Being sick.

If men had to give birth, there would be no children.  They are just big babies when it comes to pain.  When they feel a sniffle coming on, they milk it for all it's worth.  However, when WE aren't feeling well and say so, Hubby says "You better get that checked out" and goes back to watching said sporting event.


After a day of silence, we wives might ask you, "What are you thinking?" to which you will probably reply, "Nothing."  Really?  You are thinking nothing?  You might as well say to us, "None of your business."  Answering "Nothing" will have the desired effect of stopping all conversation, which, I guess, is the point.  You could at least say, "I was thinking about that hot waitress who served us last night at the restaurant."  That would probably shut us up too, but at least we couldn't accuse you of not sharing.

Speaking of which, husbands aren't very good at listening to US share.

I think there is a written code among men that as soon as they sense a discussion about feelings coming on, their minds go into "fix it" mode so they can end the conversation as soon as possible.  I think they equate our wanting to share our feelings with a walk to the executioner's table.  They don't want to be there so if they can fix whatever is troubling us and get the hell out of there, they will try to do that.

Guys, listen up.  I am going to help you. We know you want to help and that you think that coming up with a solution to our issue is the answer, but it's not.  We want you to listen to us bitch about work or worry about our health. We don't need you to tell us what to do about it.  We will figure that out.  We just want you to LISTEN, to HEAR us, to ACKNOWLEDGE our pain with the appropriate head nods, an occasional "I understand" or "That must be really hard." 

So when your wife says, "I feel depressed," instead of saying "Better call your shrink," try saying "Tell me about it."  Or when your wife says she is having trouble with someone at work, instead of saying "Screw 'em," try saying "What's going on?  I'm all ears."  When your wife says she's lonely, telling her to get a cat isn't what she wants to hear.  Instead, when your wife starts a sentence with "I feel..." or "I am worried about...," say "Tell me about it," then keep schtup and nod appropriately.  At least pretend that you care because we women don't need you to fix anything.  We are perfectly capable of doing that ourselves.  It just helps us to verbalize things. 

And ultimately, if you don't want to listen to your wife, why the hell are you married?

There, I just saved your marriage.

Ladies, did I miss anything?

And sorry if you think I am "husband bashing."  I sometimes feel a rant coming on and just have to share.  You know, that thing about sharing.  Can't help it.

I do think husbands have their charms.  Check out my "Why Have a Husband? post, where I point out what a husband is good for.  There are some things.

Thanks for Reading!
See you Friday

for my review of the new movie 



The Week in Reviews

(What to See or Read and What to Avoid)

and the latest on

My 1001 Movies I Must See Before
 I Die Project."

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  1. Well NOW you give me the code book. Where were you when I was married? Or in a serious relationship?

    This is all so true.


  2. Love that wedding dress and headband btw. You are an adorable bride.